In a historic judgement, Chester Magistrates Court has ruled that vegans must eat bacon and shut up. The decision, announced earlier today, means that vegans can no longer prattle on about not eating meat, and trying to guilt-trip everyone else into following suit.

Now any vegan who feels the urge to tell people about their veganism must, instead, eat bacon.

The news is said to be a huge plus for bacon lovers, because it means they no longer need to cross the street when they see a vegan coming the other way.


The judge, Chief Justice Kevin Spooner, presided over the case for seven days and announced his decision to a packed gallery early on Monday morning. During his comments, he spoke of the incredible boredom he had endured as a result of vegans.

It is with great pleasure I decree that vegans must now eat bacon and shut up. Never in my years as a judge, a lawyer or reading law at Oxford have I been as bored as I was when I spent 10 minutes conversing with a vegan.

It is now the law that any vegan who goes off on one about being a vegan must consume a bacon sandwich within thirty minutes, or face prosecution for the crime of being a tedious bore.

Vegans are said to be disappointed with the decision and are planning to appeal. Chief vegan, Polly Freespirit, voiced her dissatisfaction to the ruling.

This is so wrong man. I’m a vegan and I need to tell everyone I’m a vegan all of the time. Otherwise, how else will they know I’m a vegan?

Within five minutes of telling us she was a vegan Polly was forced, by law, to eat a bacon sandwich with lashings of brown source.


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