The UK government has issued an advisory warning to Brits to use both sides of the toilet paper in order to conserve resources.

In recent days, toilet paper supplies have vanished from UK shelves when idiots panic-bought loo roll after seeing supplies running out in Australia. Fueled by some first-class scaremongering from the media, with usual rags the Daily Mail and the S*n leading the way, easily-led Brits were duped into thinking the UK also had a shortage of loo roll.

This became a self-fulfilling prophecy as the UK’s army of sheep all beat a path to their local supermarkets and panic-bought every packet of bog roll they could find, ensuring supplies were indeed limited for the rest of us.


The strong and stable government has waded in with a plan, however, and has suggested Brits use both sides of the loo roll when wiping their soiled bottoms.

Prime Minister Boris, speaking at a press conference outside 10 Downing Street, spluttered:

Stiff upper lip everyone. Just use both sides of your Gayetty’s Medicated Paper and we’ll all get through this.

Brexit voters have been advised to channel some of that ‘Blitz spirit’ they banged on about for three years, instead of panicking like frightened lemmings.


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