With many families in the UK currently self-isolating, one question remains at the forefront of everyone’s thoughts: how do you know when the time is right to eat grandma?

Staying indoors for fear of spreading the virus, and from fear of catching the virus from the great unwashed, means you’re likely running out of essential supplies. Food reserves are getting low, as are medical supplies and toilet roll.

All of these are being consumed by grandma, making her a liability on your family’s survival. The obvious solution is to kill two birds with one stone by reducing your drain on your supplies and increasing your food stock by eating the lovable old bird.

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Obviously you have the problem of explaining to your children why their grandma has to go, but children adapt quickly and should be made to understand that their grandma’s delicious sacrifice is in their best interests. Sit them down and explain to them that, with grandma still here, their food will run out and they’ll soon have to start wiping their bottoms with old newspapers. With grandma stored away in casseroles, they’ll have delectable grandma dishes to enjoy for the foreseeable, and the toilet roll will last that little bit longer.

So how do you know when the time is right? Here are some obvious signs it’s high time grandma got in your cooking pot:

  • You’re eating the same, boring meal every day – some grandma meat will spice those dishes right up
  • Grandma is getting on your nerves – doesn’t she always? She won’t annoy you when she’s being picked from your teeth by a nice, wooden toothpick
  • Grandma’s musty smell is filling up your house – why not replace that with a nice cooking smell?
  • She’s just signed her will – she may as well have just hand-written some recipes for you
  • She’s monopolising the TV – don’t be forced to watch repeats of Bargain Hunt and Homes Under the Hammer, get grandma under a meat tenderiser hammer instead

What do our readers think? Have you eaten grandma yet?