Manchester United ace, Phil Jones, has been appointed by PM Theresa May as the new Secretary of State for Defence for the United Kingdom.

The previous Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, was sacked this week after a horrendous gaffe which caused sensitive data to be leaked to the press. Under fire PM, Theresa May, believes the appointment of Jones will plug the gaps in The Cabinet as Phil is used to ‘backs against the wall’ defending.

In a statement earlier today, Theresa May commented:


Now that useless bastard Williamson has been sacked we can get someone decent in the position. I’ve had a word with Solskjaer and he’s assured me that Jones is the best man for the job.

Solskjaer apparently was even happy to drive Phil Jones to London to take up his new role. He couldn’t deliver him to Downing Street fast enough.

Although Phil Jones has no experience of politics, he is experienced at making the sorts of facial expressions that previous Labour leader, Ed Miliband, was known for. Phil is also a ‘safe bet’ according to Theresa May, who described the former United player as ‘best person for a defensive role in the UK’.

Phil’s former manager, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, commented through attempts to hide his laughter:

I’m sure Phil will do a great job. He won’t score any own goals like the last guy.


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