A raging fire at the Stanlow Oil Refinery yesterday sparked Ellesmere Port’s first annual PURGE, which saw over 500 people killed during the evening’s violence.

The chemical plant, owned by Shell, burst into flames yesterday afternoon causing the area to be evacuated and fire crews to attempt to battle the blaze. However, the primitive nature of Ellesmere Port’s more cerebrally-challenged residents was brought to the fore by the fire, causing an evening of catastrophic violence similar to that seen in the Purge series of films.

Shops were looted, houses were burgled and cars were set on fire as the residents of Chester’s near neighbours turned feral for 12 hours of animalistic rage letting.


The spark to all of this violence was the raging inferno at the oil refinery, captured on film by Twitter user Thomo.

Local police officer, PC Colin Patterson (known as PC CP to his colleagues) commented:

It was like a warzone. Greggs is gone, the Pound Bakery was fire bombed and Cash Converters was used for ritualistic killings – so at least they were unaffected by it all.

Stanney Oaks resident, Charlene Minger, added:

I was having a fag outside me flat in me dressing gown and a gang of clowns ran past chasing a man in a chicken suit. They caught him and sliced his head off. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the news. Madness.

Debz’ posted about the Purge on local Facebook chav group Pride in the Port how her cat was killed by joyriders.

Hez wiv da angles now. Im fummin xx

Police have agreed that any violence committed overnight will be ignored as they’re treating the event just like The Purge from the movies. Everyone gets a free pass due to the general excitement the Stanlow fire caused.


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