With Brexit talks reaching a critical point this week, the government has turned to an expert on exiting Europe. Manchester United manager José Mourinho has been called in to advise Theresa May and Boris Johnson on how Britain can leave Europe quickly, cleanly and with minimal fuss.

Mourinho is seen by the government as the man for the job after he successfully negotiated a European exit for his team, Manchester United, last week when it looked to all the world that he would be forced to remain in Europe for at least another few weeks.

Despite all the signs suggesting United would have to remain, Mourinho stepped up and pulled off an historic MUexit.


Mourinho defied his critics and exited Europe with the sort of speed that has seen Johnson, May and the rest of the government turn to the special one as the right man to get Britain out quickly.

Speaking to the Bugle, Boris Johnson commented:

Tally bloody ho and all that. José is the chap to get Britain out of Europe. He’s proved that he can do it against the odds, and we believe he can do it again.

When asked about getting Britain out of Europe, José added.

Of course. I don’t want to speak about the officials because when I do I get into trouble, but they are all shits.

Mourinho begins his new position this week, and Britain is expected to be out of Europe by next Tuesday after securing a deceptively crap goalless draw away from home.


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