There’s nothing more British than revelling in another’s misfortune, and that will be tested in the new citizenship test to be implemented after Brexit.

Rather than face a series of boring questions designed to test how much someone knows about the UK, which is what currently happens, people wishing to live in Britain will be faced with typically British scenarios and will have to act ‘British’ in order to remain in the country.

One of the tests will be to have the hopeful migrant in a pub setting, when a barman drops a glass. Failure to cheer at the barman’s misfortune will be an immediate fail and will lead to instant deportation. Bonus points will be added if someone shouts ‘sack the juggler’.


Mike ‘Brexit’ Thompson (his real name, after changing it by deed poll) commented:

Who cares what someone knows about the Royal family, or which TV show William Roach was on? We want foreigners to be British, to act British. This new test will ensure that.

Other scenarios to feature in the new test include ‘tutting under your breath’ test, and the ‘over-reacting to some light snow’ test.

The most difficult test migrants will face will be picking nicknames for friends based on their physical traits. Several actors, each with obvious physical traits, will be playing the roles of the migrant’s ‘friends’ and the migrant will have to correctly identify the correct nicknames in order to pass the test.

Mike ‘Brexit’ Thompson, who for some reason was the only person we interviewed for this story, added:

If they don’t correctly guess that the fat guy named Bob is called ‘Fat Bob’, and the guy with the glasses named Phil is called ‘Speccy Phil’, they’ll be out on their ear.


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