Bug-eyed aggressive chav baiter, Jeremy Kyle, has cleared his calendar for the next 6 months after spending 20 minutes in the Port Arcades in Ellesmere Port.

Kyle, who has made millions from laughing at the dregs of society and mocking them on national television, has been scouting locations for the next series of his ITV show. After stopping by Ellesmere Port, Kyle instructed his aides to completely clear his calendar for the next six months as he had found what he was looking.

Kyle’s show has suffered lately in the ratings, with the condescending cockwomble seemingly having exhausted the UK’s supply of drug-addled, incestuous diabetes hunters. Consequently, he has spent the last few weeks travelling the country looking for a new hotbed of bed-hopping scallies.


Kyle entered the Port Arcades on Tuesday morning, around 10:30 am, and, according to witnesses, fell to his knees and started weeping at the sight that greeted him.

Donna McCarthy, from Little Sutton, commented:

He was crying uncontrollably, and then started laughing as though he’d just won on the scratch cards, or had received a negative paternity test.

While Kyle was in Ellesmere Port, he witnessed a melee in the market, a punch-up in the Pound Bakery, a kerfuffle in Cash Converters and a hubbub in Home Bargains. There was enough chavery going on to fill a two-part show, and he’d only been in the town for 10 minutes.

On his way back to his chauffeur driven car, Kyle witnessed a bust-up in Brighthouse over the last remaining Alba TV. A woman with five teeth and an eye patch was slogging it out with a skinny man in a vest, both desperate to spend £800 on a TV worth less than £200. Kyle gave them his business card, and invited them on to his next show.

With his calendar now clear, Kyle is able to work on his next series which has been dubbed Jeremy Kyle: Ellesmere Port.


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