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# The Chester Bugle

News from around Chester and Ellesmere Port

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [Transphobic literature posted through Ellesmere Port doors by Sally James - Party of Women](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2024/04/30/transphobic-literature-posted-through-ellesmere-port-doors-by-sally-james-party-of-women/) - In advance of the upcoming elections this week, a member of a party standing for election has been leafleting parts of Ellesmere Port with bigoted, transphobic literature. The flyer stated inflammatory anti-trans rhetoric such as "there's no such thing as non binary", "transitioning children is profound abuse" and "no woman has a penis" - in
- [Cheshire Live to Launch Kerry Katona Rolling 24hr News Channel](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2022/05/19/cheshire-live-to-launch-kerry-katona-rolling-24hr-news-channel/) - Cheshire based 'news' outlet, Cheshire Live, has announced plans to launch its own 24hr Rolling News Channel dedicated to Cheshire celebrity Kerry Katona. Cheshire Live has, until recently, had to squeeze in other Cheshire-based news stories around Kerry Katona updates such as 'Kerry has a breast op', 'Kerry buys some petrol' and 'Kerry tries to
- [Jürgen Klopp to single-handedly complete stadium expansion by Sunday](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/10/01/jurgen-klopp-to-single-handedly-complete-stadium-expansion-by-sunday/) - Liverpool manager, Jürgen Klopp, expects to have the Anfield Road expansion completed by this weekend. Klopp, who attended the ground-breaking ceremony earlier this week, didn't want to leave the job unfinished after starting to dig. While he was only supposed to be there for a photo opportunity, and then leave the construction work to the
- [Brexit Britain to Bring Back Caning in Schools](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/09/17/brexit-britain-to-bring-back-caning-in-schools/) - Thanks to Brexit, school children will once again behave as they used to! New Education Secretary, Nadhim Zahawi, has made his first big promise since taking over from Gavin Williamson in the cabinet reshuffle. Zahawi has promised that, thanks to Brexit, schools will once again be able to use the cane. Brits have seen some
- [Emma Raducanu credits Piers Morgan for her success](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/09/10/emma-raducanu-credits-piers-morgan-for-her-success/) - British tennis sensation, Emma Raducanu, has praised her mentor Piers Morgan and credited him for her latest success. Raducanu, an immigrant to the UK (but she can hit a tennis ball, so she's one of the good ones), received a thorough coaching session from Morgan via Twitter after she walked out of Wimbledon in July
- [Free Agent Messi Refuses to Rule Out Ellesmere Port Town FC](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/07/03/free-agent-messi-refuses-to-rule-out-ellesmere-port-town-fc/) - Lionel Messi, now a free agent after his contract with FC Barcelona expired at the end of June, is looking at possible clubs for the 2021/22 season, and he has refused to rule out playing for Ellesmere Port Town FC, currently in the West Cheshire Division 1 league. Messi, now aged 34, is still considered
- [Mumsnet to rebrand as Karensnet](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/06/21/mumsnet-to-rebrand-as-karensnet/) - Popular man-bashing website, Mumsnet, is to be rebranded as Karensnet, it has been confirmed. The website, for mums and by mums, has for many years operated under the illusion that it's a 'parents' website, where men are also considered a factor. However, the website's owners have finally decided to drop the pretence and just call
- [Man shot 6 times by police for celebrating St George's Day in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/04/23/man-shot-6-times-by-police-for-celebrating-st-georges-day-in-ellesmere-port/) - An Ellesmere Port man was, this morning, shot and killed by police for celebrating St George's Day. The man, 27-year-old Tom Bates, from Girton Road, was proudly displaying an English flag outside his house, and was wearing Union Jack shorts while drinking an English pint of Stella from a can. Eye witnesses say the man
- [Chester FC Confirms Club Will NOT Be Joining European Super League](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/04/19/chester-fc-confirms-club-will-not-be-joining-european-super-league/) - A club spokesman for Chester FC has confirmed the club will not be joining the proposed European Super League. The new plans have seen English football giants Liverpool, Manchester United and Chelsea joined by wealthy Manchester City, and two other clubs from London, state they will be joining the new European League. The proposals are
- [Chester seeks new name as Manchester drops 'Man' to become Chester](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/02/26/chester-seeks-new-name-as-manchester-drops-man-to-become-chester/) - The City of Chester is looking for a new name following the decision by Manchester to drop the masculine 'Man' from its name, becoming just Chester. The decision by Manchester to change its name to Chester follows a host of politically correct name changes of late, such as Mr Potato Head dropping the Mr to
- [O.E.D. Confirms Collective Noun for a Group of Karens is a 'Complaint'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/01/18/o-e-d-confirms-collective-noun-for-a-group-of-karens-is-a-complaint/) - The OED (Oxford English Dictionary) has confirmed in its latest release that the collective noun for a group of one or more Karens is a 'Complaint'. There are collective nouns for all sorts of different animals, some are well known and some are less obvious. For example, you have a Pride of Lions, a Murder
- [3-Second Rule Becomes UK Law post Brexit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/01/06/3-second-rule-becomes-uk-law-post-brexit/) - The popular '3-second rule', where it is believed that food that has been dropped on the floor is fine to eat so long as it is picked up after 3 seconds, has become law in the UK. During the 'nanny state' rules inflicted on the UK by the EU, perfectly acceptable practises such as gathering
- [One more Boris U-Turn could cause Tornado - meteorologists warn](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/01/06/one-more-boris-u-turn-could-cause-tornado-meteorologists-warn/) - The speed and regularity with which Prime Minister Boris Johnson performs U-turns is in real danger of causing a category 5 tornado in the UK, weather experts have warned. A category 5, or F5, tornado features maximum wind speeds of between 261 mph and 318 mph, and would cause substantial damage to the UK if
- [TARDIS requires extension to fit John Bishop's teeth](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2021/01/05/tardis-requires-extension-to-fit-john-bishops-teeth/) - Following the news that scouse comedian, John Bishop, was joining the ranks of Doctor Who it has been confirmed by the BBC that the TARDIS has required an extension to accommodate his huge teeth. The TARDIS, which stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space, was previously believed to be infinite in size on the
- [Mrs Brown's Boys Beats Off Stiff Competition To Be Crowned WORST THING OF 2020](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/12/30/mrs-browns-boys-beats-off-stiff-competition-to-be-crowned-worst-thing-of-2020/) - TV 'comedy', Mrs Brown's Boys, has won the coveted title of 'Worst Thing of 2020'. The award celebrates the thing that has the biggest negative impact on the most people, with Mrs Brown's Boys winning the award for the third straight year. 2020 has been an exceptional year for awful things to happen, so competition
- [Brain-eating amoeba to swing election Trump's way](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/09/27/brain-eating-amoeba-to-swing-election-trumps-way/) - A brain-eating amoeba that has been found in the water supply in several cities throughout Texas, is expected to swing the election in November in favour of sitting President Donald Trump. The amoeba has been discovered in the water supply and is believed to consume brain cells of anyone who ingests the water. Scientists believe
- [Rachel Riley Hospitalised Trying To Calculate Vue Cinemas' Popcorn Profit Margin](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/11/24/rachel-riley-hospitalised-trying-to-calculate-vue-cinemas-popcorn-profit-margin/) - Mathematics bombshell, Rachel Riley, has been admitted to hospital suffering from fatigue after she attempted to calculate the profit margin on popcorn enjoyed by Vue Cinemas. Riley, who excels at solving complicated maths problems on the TV gameshow Countdown, tackled the conundrum in order to flex her cerebral muscles to the maths world. Her bid
- ["I'm not a bully, you big fat gay spazz!" says Priti Patel](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/11/20/im-not-a-bully-you-big-fat-gay-spazz-says-priti-patel/) - Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has dismissed claims she's demonstrated bullying traits, by insisting her accuser is just a "big fat gay spazz". In a shocking outburst, and one that many believe broke the Ministerial code, Patel claimed the person who suggested she had bullied staff was wrong, and was just being a "big fat gay
- [Internet DESTROYED as everyone removes Harry Maguire from Fantasy Football Team](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/10/15/internet-destroyed-as-everyone-removes-harry-maguire-from-fantasy-football-team/) - The Internet was broken this morning, for a period of four hours, as everyone in the UK simultaneously attempted to remove ironing-board headed Harry Maguire from their Fantasy Football Team ahead of the weekend’s fixtures. Maguire, whose father advertised Tefal products in the 1980s, was a popular choice among Fantasy Football players at the start
- [Read the abhorrent racist abuse sent via Facebook by Chester resident](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/07/20/read-the-abhorrent-racist-abuse-sent-via-facebook-by-chester-resident/) - We've been made aware of a targeted stream of racist abuse sent by a Chester resident, and former University of Chester student, which was sent over Facebook Messenger. The abuse, seen below in the screen shot, was sent in 2018 as a Facebook message to a man who has chosen not to be named. The
- [Tommy Robinson & Katie Hopkins FORCED to wear 'Full Burka' in shops](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/07/14/tommy-robinson-katie-hopkins-forced-to-wear-full-burka-in-shops/) - Famed racists, Tommy Robinson and Katie Hopkins, are said to be 'saddened' at having to wear full burkas when they go shopping due to the COVID-19 pandemic. With face masks in shops being made compulsory from next week, the notorious bashers of all things different were deeply shocked at how they, and only they, have
- [Reduced capacity in pubs means ONLY professional drinkers allowed](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/29/reduced-capacity-in-pubs-means-only-professional-drinkers-allowed/) - With the UK's pubs set to open on July 4th a plea has gone out to the country's professional drinkers to make up the shortfall for the reduced capacity. Social distancing in pubs means fewer tables, fewer people at the bar and fewer pub goers able to get pissed. There are fears this will destroy
- [Fake crowd sounds at Chelsea games to include racist chanting](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/22/fake-crowd-sounds-at-chelsea-games-to-include-racist-chanting/) - A Premier League spokesperson has confirmed that all of Chelsea FC's remaining home games to be broadcast live will include racist chanting with the fake crowd sounds for that 'added realism'. With football matches being broadcast on Sky, BT Sport and the BBC showing games in empty stadiums, viewers have the option of watching games
- [Harry Kane changes name to 'Black Lives Matter' and claims every goal scored this weekend](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/22/harry-kane-changes-name-to-black-lives-matter-and-claims-every-goal-scored-this-weekend/) - Tottenham striker, Harry Kane, has officially changed his name via deed poll to Black Lives Matter and has lodged a claim with the Premier League for every goal scored this past weekend to be credited as his. If his claim is successful, all 22 goals scored over the last few days would be added to
- [Arsenal to recreate Emirates atmosphere by dubbing silence over behind-closed-door games](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/16/arsenal-to-recreate-emirates-atmosphere-by-dubbing-silence-over-behind-closed-door-games/) - Arsenal F.C. has today confirmed they will be recreating the atmosphere of a packed Emirates when matches resume by pumping silence into the ground for the players and viewers at home. With the Premiere League restarting after several weeks, and all matches being played in empty stadiums, it was feared the atmosphere wouldn't be the
- [Netflix removes EVERYTHING over fears someone will always be offended by something](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/12/netflix-removes-everything-over-fears-someone-will-always-be-offended-by-something/) - Netflix subscribers were this morning shocked to find the streaming service had removed all of its content from the platform. Netflix is now completely empty. Recently episodes of Little Britain were removed, followed by the League of Gentleman and yesterday saw an episode of Fawlty Towers get the chop in case it offended the Germans.
- [Coronation Street / Eastenders Crossover to create Combined Soap Universe](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/09/coronation-street-eastenders-crossover-to-create-combined-soap-universe/) - Soap fans are in for a real treat later this year as plans have been announced for a Combined Soap Universe (CSU) to rival the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) created in the Marvel movies. Rumours started about the CSU in April 2020 when the cast of Eastenders appeared, in character, on a virtual pub quiz
- [Woman who adopted Chester Zoo lion didn't know she'd have to home it](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/08/woman-who-adopted-chester-zoo-lion-didnt-know-shed-have-to-home-it/) - Lucy Taylor, a twenty-six-year-old woman from Girton Road, Ellesmere Port, was shocked to discover she had to find space in her home for a lion she'd 'adopted' from Chester Zoo. The troubled zoo offered up its animals for adoption as an added method to raise funds to keep the zoo operating during the enforced government
- [Animals to be released into Chester in event of closure - confirms Chester Zoo](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/04/animals-to-be-released-into-chester-in-event-of-closure-confirms-chester-zoo/) - Shopping in Chester is expected to get more hazardous following the announcement by Chester Zoo that all of its animals will be released into the city should the zoo be forced to close. Chester Zoo announced earlier this week that it won't be allowed to open as it expected following the government's ruling, meaning it
- [Trump Declares 'The Tufty Club' a terrorist organisation](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/06/01/trump-declares-the-tufty-club-a-terrorist-organisation/) - Tangerine-coloured president, Donald Trump, this morning declared the radical furry outfit known as 'The Tufty Club' a 'terrorist organisation'. The Tufty Club has operated beneath the radar of the United States, and in other countries, since the 1950s. Indoctrinating children with its colourful imagery and bushy tails, The Tufty Club has been enforcing a strict,
- [Facebook Avatars more contagious than COVID-19 - confirm experts](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/05/19/facebook-avatars-more-contagious-than-covid-19-confirm-experts/) - A second, more contagious, wave of infection has spread around the world in the last few days, it has been confirmed. While the world still reels from Covid-19, with many families in isolation and unable to leave the home, a more dangerous infection is spreading without mercy. This new virus infects people's Facebook timelines with
- [Man arrested after failing to share albums that influenced him on Facebook](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/05/15/man-arrested-after-failing-to-share-albums-that-influenced-him-on-facebook/) - A local man was arrested this morning after he had failed to share the cover of an album that influenced him on Facebook yesterday. The man, 34-year-old Thomas Stifler from Ellesmere Port, had been nominated by his mate Fat Kev to share images of albums that influenced him every day, for 10 days. Thomas shared
- [Local man 'Completely Misunderstood' "Clap for Carers"](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/04/28/local-man-completely-misunderstood-clap-for-carers/) - Ellesmere Port local, Steve Baston, this week discovered he had completely misunderstood the meaning of 'Clap for Carers' after a very embarrassing visit to Hope Farm Clinic, in Great Sutton. Steve proudly marched down to the clinic this week believing he was doing his bit for the nation's carers and front line workers after seeing
- [Government Coronavirus plan to quarantine Wirral EXPOSED](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/04/government-coronavirus-plan-to-quarantine-wirral-exposed/) - A secret plan formed by the UK government to contain the coronavirus has been exposed. In the top-secret document, plans are detailed on how the Wirral Peninsular will be quarantined indefinitely, with its residents cut off from the rest of the UK. The shocking plan, which is currently only a last resort should the coronavirus
- [Boris Johnson has baby he knows about](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/04/29/boris-johnson-has-baby-he-knows-about/) - UK Prime Minister, Boris 'Shagger' Johnson has today confirmed the birth of a baby he knows about. While becoming a father isn't a new experience for Bojo, indeed most days there are babies born in the UK who have been sired by his wayward loins, becoming a father to a child he is aware of
- [Local youth 'PRAISED' after shoplifting for others](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/04/15/local-youth-praised-after-shoplifting-for-others/) - A local Ellesmere Port youth, Steve Spanks, was praised by family, neigbours and even the local media after helping out his elderly neighbours during the lockdown. Steve, a well-known menace to retailers for many years, has been aiding those unable to leave their homes to buy groceries by shoplifting for others over the past few
- [Work-from-home-burglar robbed own house 3 times last week](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/04/06/work-from-home-burglar-robbed-own-house-3-times-last-week/) - With the whole of the UK on a form of lockdown, even burglars are now managing to work from home, it would appear. Twenty-six-year-old Rob Holmes, from Ellesmere Port, has been working from home for the last few weeks and has so far managed to burgle himself five times. Rob usually enters his home through
- [Premier League confirms Football season to be completed on FIFA](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/04/01/premier-league-confirms-football-season-to-be-completed-on-fifa/) - David Pemsel, the chief executive of the Premier League, this morning confirmed the league season would be completed on the video game FIFA. The Premier League was suspended in March due to Coronavirus, and had a tentative date of early April to renew playing. However, with the virus showing no signs of slowing down that
- [Kids and Gays locked in BITTER tussle over Rainbow ownership](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/31/kids-and-gays-locked-in-bitter-tussle-over-rainbow-ownership/) - The UK's children have staged a coup against the gays to take back control of the rainbow symbol, it has been confirmed. The rainbow has been a symbol of the gays ever since they wrestled it from the hands of children in the mid-90s during the TV show Rainbow. The Rainbow was originally owned by
- [Number of alcoholics in UK expected to double, to EVERYONE](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/25/number-of-alcoholics-in-uk-expected-to-double-to-everyone/) - The nation being forced to stay at home over the next few weeks due to Coronavirus has led analysts to predict the UK's number of alcoholics to drastically increase. Currently, the UK enjoys the highest number per capita of booze-addled citizens anywhere in the world, with one in two Brits being a raging alcoholic. Boffins
- [COVID-19 Relieved to test negative for Trump](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/16/covid-19-relieved-to-test-negative-for-trump/) - COVID-19 expressed an extreme sense of relief, this weekend, as a test for Trump proved negative. The virus was concerned it may have contracted Trump after coming into contact with the man at a recent engagement. A nervous 48hrs for COVID-19 had a happy ending, however, when the test for Trump came back all clear.
- [Scientists: Keith Richards’ DNA key to Coronavirus cure](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/12/scientists-keith-richards-dna-key-to-coronavirus-cure/) - Leading scientists have confirmed that immortal rocker, Keith Richards, holds the key to a cure for Coronavirus. Keith Richards, whose age is reported at a modest 73 but historians believe he may be several times older than that, is one of the founding members of the Rolling Stones. Despite decades, or perhaps centuries, of absorbing
- [Government advises Brits to use BOTH sides of toilet paper](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/10/government-advises-brits-to-use-both-sides-of-toilet-paper/) - The UK government has issued an advisory warning to Brits to use both sides of the toilet paper in order to conserve resources. In recent days, toilet paper supplies have vanished from UK shelves when idiots panic-bought loo roll after seeing supplies running out in Australia. Fueled by some first-class scaremongering from the media, with
- [Surviving coronavirus: How to know when it's time to eat grandma](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/09/surviving-coronavirus-how-to-know-when-its-time-to-eat-grandma/) - With many families in the UK currently self-isolating, one question remains at the forefront of everyone's thoughts: how do you know when the time is right to eat grandma? Staying indoors for fear of spreading the virus, and from fear of catching the virus from the great unwashed, means you're likely running out of essential
- [Entire class disappears after dressing as "Where's Wally" for World Book Day](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/03/06/entire-class-disappears-after-dressing-as-wheres-wally-for-world-book-day/) - The entire Year 3 from St. Savile's Primary School, in Ellesmere Port, has completely vanished after they all dressed as 'Wally' from the 'Where's Wally' books for World Book Day. The costume of Wally was particularly popular this year after an abundance of red and white striped jumpers went on sale at The Asdas, in
- [Greggs announces sale of first Vegan sausage roll](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/20/greggs-announces-sale-of-first-vegan-sausage-roll/) - Popular cholesterol peddler, Greggs, has today announced the very first sale of a Vegan sausage roll. The completely meat-free sausage rolls were first put on sale by Greggs, across its 2000 plus locations, in February 2019. The sausage rolls were created by the obesity-stoking pasty promoter as a publicity stunt; they never actually intended to
- [People with "Be Kind" on their profile photo "Absolute Twats" study finds](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/20/people-with-be-kind-on-their-profile-photo-absolute-twats-study-finds/) - The current trend of adding "Be Kind" to your profile photo on Facebook has been taken up by the country's biggest pricks, it has been revealed. The "Be Kind" movement emerged after the untimely death of TV host Caroline Flack was attributed to the abuse she received both online and in the media. This prompted
- [Man convinced Petrol-Station Flowers will lead to Sex](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/14/man-convinced-petrol-station-flowers-will-lead-to-sex/) - An Ellesmere Port man is absolutely certain a bunch of flowers from Sainsbury's petrol station will be enough to charm his girlfriend into a night of passion. The man, Dave Jones, lives on Girton Road and his twenty-six-year-old girlfriend Lizzie is from Little Sutton. Dave, an electrician who drives a white van, bought the second-to-last
- [Piers Morgan looking for new thing at which to direct faux outrage](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/12/piers-morgan-looking-for-new-thing-at-which-to-direct-faux-outrage/) - Celebrity twat, Piers Morgan, was this morning looking for something at which to direct faux outrage. The over-inflated man with the over-inflated ego has previously become very angry at things that are of no concern to him, or anyone else, just to get a reaction from the public. Whether it be on TV show This
- [Coronation Street to be released on 2,000-disc DVD Boxset](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/10/coronation-street-to-be-released-on-2000-disc-dvd-boxset/) - The entire series of Coronation Street is to be released on a 2,000 disc DVD boxset, it was revealed this morning. Fans of the show will be delighted to learn they can own the entire series of the northern soap and watch it again and again from the comfort of their own home, any time
- [CeXual harassment victim sacked from CeX](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/06/cexual-harassment-victim-sacked-from-cex/) - Twitter user @gothepleb has detailed an account of where she says she was sexually harassed by a colleague when working for the high street retailer CeX. She explained, in great detail, what happened in a series of tweets on Wednesday afternoon, which can be read here. She claims that, following her receiving sexual messages from
- ['Is this a library?' updated post-Brexit to 'is this a factory?'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/02/05/is-this-a-library-updated-post-brexit-to-is-this-a-factory/) - The popular sarcastic football chant 'Is this a library?', sung by away fans at football grounds, has been updated following Brexit. The chant is a very clever use of wit that suggests the home support isn't very good, sung at points in the game when the stadium is really quiet 'like a library'. However, as
- [Wrexham to force all away fans to speak Welsh](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/23/wrexham-to-force-all-away-fans-to-speak-welsh/) - Chester FC's bitter rival, Wrexham A.F.C has confirmed that any away fans visiting the Racecourse Ground for football matches will be required to conduct all of their business in Welsh. The North-Wales club revealed in a statement that, starting from next season, any fans attending games at the Racecourse will be ignored if they speak
- [Council blames Chester wall collapse on dodgy Roman builders](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/20/council-blames-chester-wall-collapse-on-dodgy-roman-builders/) - Cheshire West and Chester Council has issued a statement 'condemning the shoddy workmanship' of the Roman builders after a section of the Roman walls collapsed last week. The walls, which were built less than 2000 years ago, have already started showing signs of wear and tear. The worst of this occurred last week when a
- [Chester Zoo Successfully Breeds Dinosaurs](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/13/chester-zoo-successfully-breeds-dinosaurs/) - A Chester Zoo spokesperson, has confirmed the news the science world has been waiting for decades to hear: Chester Zoo has successfully bred the first dinosaurs. In what sounds like the plot of a science fiction movie, real scientists at Chester's highest-rated tourist attraction have been working for the past 20 years on breeding dinosaurs
- [Vegans SHOCKED to find quinoa is a small furry mammal](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/15/vegans-shocked-to-find-quinoa-is-a-small-furry-mammal/) - The Vegan and Vegetarian world is reeling from the news that quinoa, previously believed to be a pseudo-cereal, is in fact a cute fluffy mammal. While vegans and vegetarians have been chowing down on quinoa for many years, delighted more by their unbearable smugness than the tasteless food, they have today been dealt a devastating
- [Big Sam follows Paltrow with 'Sweaty Bollocks' Candle](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/14/big-sam-follows-paltrow-with-sweaty-bollocks-candle/) - Big Sam Allardyce has followed celebrity weirdo Gwynelth Paltrow by releasing a set of candles that whiff of his genitalia. Actress, author and all-round nut-job Gwyneth Paltrow announced recently she had released a candle that smelled of her nunny. Seeing an obvious gap in the market and, as he's currently not managing a struggling Premier
- [Liverpool's Fourth Round FA Cup tie to be televised on CBEEBIES](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/09/liverpools-fourth-round-fa-cup-tie-to-be-televised-on-cbeebies/) - It has been announced that the Fourth Round FA Cup match between Liverpool and the winner of Bristol City or Shrewsbury will be televised live on CBEEBIES. This decision was made after Liverpool's youth team knocked Mersey rivals Everton (who fielded a full-strength side) out of the FA Cup in the previous round. The Fourth
- [Britain devastated 'wrong ginger' leaving country](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/09/britain-devastated-wrong-ginger-leaving-country/) - The UK is said to be absolutely devastated to discover the ginger packing up and leaving for the USA is NOT Ed Sheeran. When news broke that a famous ginger was taking a step back from public life and emigrating to the USA, to live forever, Britain was understandably ecstatic at the news. It thought
- ["I Told You I'd F*cking Get Rid Of Her!" - Kate Middleton yells at crowd](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/09/i-told-you-id-fcking-get-rid-of-her-kate-middleton-yells-at-crowd/) - The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, shocked onlookers today with a foul-mouthed outburst directed at Meghan Markle. Middleton, who was in Chester to open new children's nursery, Hide and Seek Tots, started yelling at press photographers as she left the nursery when they asked her about Markle's decision to leave the UK. Middleton started frothing
- [Vegan cheese added to Banned Substances List](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/06/vegan-cheese-added-to-banned-substances-list/) - The World Anti Doping Agency has confirmed that Vegan cheese has been added to its banned substances list. This means no athlete can consume Vegan cheese while competing or, indeed, while trying to live any sort of healthy or pleasurable lifestyle. Vegan cheese is completely dairy and taste free, and is made from the crushed
- [Veganuary bollocks prompts man to treble his meat consumption](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2020/01/02/veganuary-bollocks-prompts-man-to-treble-his-meat-consumption/) - An Ellesmere Port man is so pissed off with all of the Veganuary crap from hippies and students that he’s taken to eating more meat to restore the balance. Tom Potts, from Little Sutton, has had more than enough of Karens and Justins all taking to Facebook to tell everyone how they’re ‘going vegan for
- [HR explains error of man's Secret Santa vibrator gift](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/12/23/hr-explains-error-of-mans-secret-santa-vibrator-gift/) - A Chester man has been hauled in front of his firm’s HR department after purchasing a vibrator as a Secret Santa gift for a female colleague. The man, who preferred not to be named (but his name is Jason Powell, from Saughall, Chester) works for a firm of accountants in the centre of Chester. Every
- [All You Can Eat Restaurant’s salad cart remains untouched for 9th straight year](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/12/10/all-you-can-eat-restaurants-salad-cart-remains-untouched-for-9th-straight-year/) - The salad cart at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, in Chester, has never been so much as touched since the restaurant opened, nine years ago. The restaurant features different cuisines from all over the world, with a special emphasis on Chinese. Diners can fill their plates with foods from India, Thailand, China, Italy and other countries before
- [Thousands hospitalised playing "Drink When Boris Lies" drinking game](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/12/02/thousands-hospitalised-playing-boris-tells-lies-drinking-game/) - Thousands of British have been admitted to hospital with alcohol poisoning after playing a popular drinking game about Boris Johnson. The game, entitled 'Drink When Boris Lies' has been sweeping the nation in the last few months, and it's taken its toll on even the alcohol-obsessed Brits. The rules of the game are quite simple;
- [New MARVEL Superhero 'No Sweat Man' announced](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/11/18/new-marvel-superhero-no-sweat-man-announced/) - MARVEL, the studio behind Spider-Man, The Hulk and Captain America, today announced a new superhero would be joining the ranks of The Avengers. The new superhero, No Sweat Man, is a mild-mannered prince by day and a man incapable of sweating by night. No matter how hot the situation, whether he's cavorting with teenage girls,
- [John Lewis Christmas Ad takes unexpectedly dark turn](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/11/14/john-lewis-christmas-ad-takes-unexpectedly-dark-turn/) - This year's Christmas Ad from retailer John Lewis has been slammed after taking a very dark turn in the final scene. The advert features an excitable dragon, named Edgar, who loves Christmas so much he gets too excited and breathes fire. His excitable nature causes comical accidents such as melting a snowman, ruining an ice-skating
- ['Venice lacks common sense having so much water' - says Jacob Rees-Mogg](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/11/13/venice-lacks-common-sense-having-so-much-water-says-jacob-rees-mogg/) - The recent flooding of Venice, Italy, has been blamed on a 'lack of common sense' on the part of the Venetians by Tory MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg. Rees-Mogg, the Leader of the House of Commons, has stated that Venice is to blame for the second worst flooding the city has ever seen due its poor common
- [Fire Brigade called to clear man's Boxing Day shit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/12/26/fire-brigade-called-to-clear-mans-boxing-day-shit/) - Shaun Swallows, of Girton Road in Ellesmere Port, caused the local fire brigade to be called out after his Boxing Day shit proved so monstrous it threatened to block the drains for over half a mile. Shaun, as he does every year, rose early on Boxing Day as his bowels were desperately in need of
- [Wife slips into coma after husband's Christmas fart](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/12/25/wife-slips-into-coma-after-husbands-christmas-fart/) - A woman has fallen into a coma following a particularly nasty fart released by her husband, this Christmas. The woman, 56-year-old Emily from Great Sutton, collapsed after her husband Dave let rip a fart containing the full force of his Christmas dinner, and 'Full English' breakfast. Dave initially thought his wife was 'acting up' when
- [Man claiming he's 'wrapping presents' really just having a massive wank](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/10/29/man-claiming-hes-wrapping-presents-really-just-having-a-massive-wank/) - An Ellesmere Port man who told his wife 'not to come in' as he's wrapping her Christmas presents has, instead, just been masturbating for the last 35 minutes. The man, thirty-two-year-old Tom from Girton Road, instructed his wife he needed some time to himself to wrap up her Christmas presents, and that she shouldn't enter
- [Heart 80s to open second box of records](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/08/27/heart-80s-to-open-second-box-of-records/) - Popular UK radio station, Heart 80s, has confirmed it is to open a second box of records. Currently the whole radio station is operating off a single box of records unearthed from Emma Bunton's mum's attic. The radio station has a very limited playlist of just five records, including two 'That's What I Call 80s'
- [Nokia 3310 found in drawer after 20 years still has 70% battery](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/04/10/nokia-3310-found-in-drawer-after-20-years-still-has-70-battery/) - Kevin Moody, a roofer from Ellesmere Port, has recently cleared out his 'man draw' looking for a key to the shed when he stumbled upon his old Nokia 3310 mobile phone. The phone was still switched on, and had been forgotten about for 20 years. Incredibly the phone still had just over 70% battery remaining.
- [Boris Johnson wins Edinburgh Fringe Funniest Joke Award for 'latest Brexit promise'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/08/20/boris-johnson-wins-edinburgh-fringe-funniest-joke-award-for-latest-brexit-promise/) - Tassel-haired comedian, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has won the annual award for the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe for his latest promise on Brexit. The award, now in its 12th year, awards a prize to the comedian with the best (or funniest) one liner at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. A panel of 10 judges decided
- [Cambridge Road speed limit reduced to Warp 6](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/08/14/cambridge-road-speed-limit-reduced-to-warp-6/) - The speed limit on Cambridge Road, Ellesmere Port, will soon been reduced to Warp 6, it has been confirmed. The new speed represents a significant reduction from the previous maximum speed Warp 9.975. Residents of Cambridge Road have, for some years, raised concerns over the speed vehicles travel down the road with many cars, particularly
- [I'm a Celebrity swapping Bush Tucker Trial for Wetherspoons' Lunch Menu](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/08/13/im-a-celebrity-swapping-bush-tucker-trial-for-wetherspoons-lunch-menu/) - Popular z-list career revival show, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, is swapping its famous Bush Tucker Trial for the more unpalatable lunch-time menu option from Wetherspoons. Fans of the show have been complaining over recent years that contestants hungry for TV exposure have been too ready to swallow crocodile bollocks and bull’s
- [Man blames faulty video game on mass shootings](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/08/07/man-blames-faulty-video-game-on-mass-shootings/) - A man from Texas, in the USA, has announced that mass shootings are to blame for his copy of Call of Duty Black Ops not working correctly. 24-year-old Brad Chuck Ingram Gregg Junior III confirmed on his Twitter, earlier today, that the reason his copy of COD Black Ops keeps crashing whenever he tries to
- [Police release image of man sought over 'incident' in Whitby Park](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/31/police-release-image-of-man-sought-over-incident-in-whitby-park/) - CHESHIRE Police has released an image from CCTV showing a man they're interested in speaking with over an incident in Whitby Park this weekend. The man is described as dangerous, carrying a large weapon and should not be approached. The man is said to have been wearing just his underpants and boots, and was seen
- [Ellesmere Port features on latest 'Call of Duty: Zombies' map](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/24/ellesmere-port-features-on-latest-call-of-duty-zombies-map/) - In a recent interview, one of game developer Treyarch's lead coders revealed some interesting news about the latest DLC (downloadable content) for their zombie version of the popular video game Call of Duty. Lead developer David Vonderhaar commented that the Cheshire town of Ellesmere Port represented an 'ideal' location for gamers to download and use
- [The Station Hotel wins 'Best Kept Pub' in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/23/the-station-hotel-wins-best-kept-pub-in-ellesmere-port/) - The Station Hotel has won the coveted title of 'Best Kept Pub' in Ellesmere Port. In a hotly contested competition, the historical Station Hotel (situated near Ellesmere Port train station) has beaten off contenders to lift the prestigious award. The Station Hotel narrowly won the award ahead of second place pub, The Wing Half. Ellesmere
- [Keith Richards crashes FaceApp server](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/22/keith-richards-crashes-faceapp-server/) - Keith Richards, the 1000-year-old immortal who defies the laws of science and nature, was responsible for a server crash on the face ageing app FaceApp this weekend. The app, which is run by the Russian KGB and gathers data on unsuspecting dimwits who help to hone its face ageing algorithm, has been hugely popular this
- [New Face of Bank of England £50 Note is Revealed](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/15/new-face-of-bank-of-england-50-note-is-revealed/) - Sam Allardyce, the only England football manager with a 100% win record, has today been announced as the new face of the Bank of England’s £50 note. The decision to use the face of Big Sam was a unanimous one, despite there being other well-known English figures in the running. Margaret Thatcher’s name was mooted
- [Dance group 2 Unlimited admit there is a limit after attending Speed Awareness Course](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/24/dance-group-2-unlimited-admit-limit-attending-speed-awareness-course/) - The dance duo 2 Unlimited, consisting of Belgian rapper Ray Slijngaard and Dutch singer Anita Doth, have been forced to concede there is a limit after attending a Speed Awareness Course in Ellesmere Port. The duo were caught by a camera on Chester Road just before Christmas, doing 34mph in a 30mph zone. They believed
- [Richard Branson files for bankruptcy after booking Manchester to London on own train](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/12/richard-branson-files-for-bankruptcy-after-booking-manchester-to-london-on-own-train/) - Bonkers billionaire Branson Bankrupt after booking a last-minute fair on one of his own trains this week. Richard Branson made the schoolboy error of buying a ticket at the station for an open return from Manchester to London on Virgin Trains. The billionaire tycoon usually has his train fairs booked for him weeks in advance
- [Scientists discover new lifeform in Wetherspoon’s carpet](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/12/scientists-discover-new-lifeform-in-wetherspoons-carpet/) - A team of scientists, from the University of Wyoming, has made a scientific breakthrough in Chester, of all places. The award-winning team has been trying to discover new signs of life for the past nine years and, this week, they confirmed their findings to the global scientific community. After a research trip to Wetherspoon’s, in
- [Couple only staying together because they both like getting pissed](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/10/couple-only-staying-together-because-they-both-like-getting-pissed/) - Chester couple, Tom and Debbie Shanks, have admitted they’re only staying together because of their mutual love of getting absolutely shitfaced. The couple have been together for five years, have been married for three and have pretty much hated each other for two. They should have split by now, something they both freely admit; however
- [Americans insist light beer isn't shit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/07/09/americans-insist-light-beer-isnt-shit/) - Americans, this week, insisted that light beers such as ‘Bud Light’ and ‘Coors Light’ aren’t shit. While the rest of the world, the UK in particular, understands the notion that light beers are watery shit and taste like someone has swilled drain water around a drip tray before bottling it, Americans are of a completely
- [Donald Trump unveils plans to combat immigration](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/25/donald-trump-unveils-plans-to-combat-immigration/) - The President of the United States, businessman Donald Trump, has always taken a hard line on immigration. His attempts to build a wall between the US and Mexico may be ongoing, but has just unveiled plans to curb the passage of illegal immigrants into the United States. Trump has signed a deal with Detroit-based Omni
- [Fresh excavation of Pompeii discovers evidence of early Cliff Richard tour](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/25/fresh-excavation-of-pompeii-discovers-evidence-of-early-cliff-richard-tour/) - Archaeologists have uncovered a poster promoting a tour by UK pop star, Cliff Richard, displayed on a wall in the ruins of Pompeii. Pompeii was a vibrant city in ancient Italy, located in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius. When the volcano erupted in AD79, the city was covered in a layer of ash preserving it
- [Furbies provide valuable insight into future Trump / Boris meetings](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/20/furbies-provide-valuable-insight-into-future-trump-boris-meetings/) - As whimsical feckless moron, Boris Johnson, moves closer to taking control of the United Kingdom, a pair of Furbies has shown what a future high-powered meeting would look like between him and President Trump. Boris, a flouncy-haired jabbering buffoon, is now inches away from becoming the leader of the UK and being in charge of
- [New Season of LOST will be sponsored by YODEL](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/17/new-season-of-lost-will-be-sponsored-by-yodel/) - The TV series LOST ran for six seasons, finally finishing in 2010. It has just been announced that a new season of LOST will start later this year, and will be sponsored by parcel delivery firm YODEL. The original series focused on the lives of a group of plane crash survivors on a remote island,
- [Ellesmere Port rejoices as 'scratchies' to become Olympic sport](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/13/ellesmere-port-rejoices-as-scratchies-to-become-olympic-sport/) - Ellesmere Port was, this morning, rejoicing at the news scratch cards (or 'scratchies) would be an event at the next Olympics. During many Olympic Games new events are trialled to see how successful they are, and whether they should become regular events. Such events to have been trialled in the past include golf, ten-pin bowling
- [Man's idea of cleaning the bathroom "different to wife's", research finds](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/10/mans-idea-of-cleaning-the-bathroom-different-to-wifes-research-finds/) - An Ellesmere Port man has recently discovered his attempts to clean the bathroom are not up to the standard his wife was expecting. James Tomkins, from the Wezzy, spent twenty-minutes this weekend 'cleaning' the bathroom after his wife had nagged him into it. The result was far from what his wife would have described as
- [Man's 'Wank Bank' emptied after seeing photo of mum in thong](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/07/mans-wank-bank-emptied-after-seeing-photo-of-mum-in-thong/) - An Ellesmere Port man, Dave Thomas from Little Sutton, has had his entire wank bank emptied in a shocking incident this week. As Dave was settling down to make a withdrawal from his wank bank, he checked his Facebook and accidentally glimpsed a picture that his 57-year-old mother, Dawn, had just posted from her holiday
- [Everton fan regrets nipping out for some milk](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/06/04/everton-fan-regrets-nipping-out-for-some-milk/) - Everton fan, Tom, spoke yesterday of how he severely regretting nipping out for some milk on Sunday. After waking in the afternoon Tom (who asked us not to mention his surname) decided he wanted some Frosties to soak up the disappointment of yet another poor season. Having completely forgotten there was a football match on
- [Jet, from Gladiators, greatest thing ever on TV confirm men](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/29/jet-from-gladiators-greatest-thing-ever-on-tv-confirm-men/) - Former Gladiator, Jet (real name Diane Youdale), has once again been confirmed by men as the greatest thing ever on TV. The TV series Gladiators debuted in the UK in 1992, and featured contestants battling a sort of Ninja Warrior course while being chased, punched, hit and jumped on by the show's muscle-bound title stars.
- [Despite recent human rights issues and history of racism, Chelsea fans welcome in Baku](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/28/despite-recent-human-rights-issues-and-history-of-racism-chelsea-fans-welcome-in-baku/) - London clubs Chelsea and Arsenal travel over 2,800 miles for the Europa League Final this week, with a small number of fans also going along to shout abuse at each other. There were initial fears over the history of racist abuse that would be faced, and the human rights abuses dished out, but a spokesman
- [Gammon Furious Polish Immigrants get their own ‘station’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/23/gammon-furious-polish-immigrants-get-their-own-station/) - A particularly angry gammon, from Ellesmere Port, was reportedly FURIOUS today when he saw that Polish Immigrants had their own station. Kevin ‘Brains’ Thomas, from Little Sutton, was driving down Stanney Lane when he spotted the sign apparently directing Poles to their station. Kevin raged for at least 30 minutes as he drove around in
- [Multi-millionaire Nigel Farage 'on my side' insists feckless moron](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/23/multi-millionaire-nigel-farage-on-my-side-insists-feckless-moron/) - Feckless moron, Steve Dobbs, insists Nigel Farage is on his side and is a ‘man of the people’. Despite working a zero hours contract that offered him just five hours of paid work in the last week Steve, from Ellesmere Port, is backing Farage with his vote because he believes he’s a great bloke who
- [Phil Jones appointed new Secretary of State for Defence](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/02/phil-jones-appointed-new-secretary-of-state-for-defence/) - Manchester United ace, Phil Jones, has been appointed by PM Theresa May as the new Secretary of State for Defence for the United Kingdom. The previous Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, was sacked this week after a horrendous gaffe which caused sensitive data to be leaked to the press. Under fire PM, Theresa May, believes the
- [Serial killers forced to meet Piers Morgan 'Inhumane' rules European court](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/01/serial-killers-forced-to-meet-piers-morgan-inhumane-rules-european-court/) - The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that serial killers being forced to meet with Piers Morgan for his TV series ‘Serial Killer with Piers Morgan’ is a breach of their basic human rights. In the show, Piers Morgan forces serial killers to recount their stories while he sits opposite them and judges them
- [Wetherspoon to 'enhance dining experience' by microwaving meals at diners' tables](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/05/01/wetherspoon-to-enhance-dining-experience-by-microwaving-meals-at-diners-tables/) - The UK's dreariest pub chain, JD Wetherspoon, has announced it intends to compete with the current trend of having meals prepared at your table. Certain up-market pubs, and 'dining experiences' such as Teppanyaki restaurants, make an event of meals by cooking food in front of expectant diners. This is something Wetherspoon hopes to muscle in
- [Avengers: Endgame posts £43.4m opening weekend after family of five buys popcorn](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/04/30/avengers-endgame-posts-43-4m-opening-weekend-after-family-of-five-buys-popcorn/) - The epic conclusion to Marvel’s 22 movie saga, Avengers: Endgame, has posted a UK box office of £43.4 million after a family of five from Ellesmere Port each had popcorn. The Dodds family, from Ellesmere Port, attending the Vue Cinema in Cheshire Oaks this weekend to watch the 3hr-long climax to the MCU (Marvel Cinematic
- [Teenager explains why UK government's porn block is bollocks](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/04/18/teenager-explains-why-uk-governments-porn-block-is-bollocks/) - A random teenager, named Kevin, has explained why the recently announced porn block that hopes to restrict teenagers under the age of 18 from viewing adult content online is a total load of bollocks. Kevin revealed that UK government ministers, in fact, know fuck all about the internet. He confirmed they are also completely unaware
- [7 cost-effective ways to annoy your neighbours](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/03/26/7-cost-effective-ways-to-annoy-your-neighbours/) - In the UK we fucking hate our neighbours, the self-serving, condescending pricks. One of the great pleasures we get in life is annoying the shit out of them. However, in today’s uncertain world of economic desperation, annoying your neighbours doesn’t always come cheap. Luckily we’ve put together a list of 7 cost-effective ways to annoy
- [The Voice winner once again forgets to tick box allowing publicity](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/04/06/the-voice-winner-once-again-forgets-to-tick-box-allowing-publicity/) - This year's winner of The Voice, thingy, forgot to tick the box on their application form consenting to publicity. This oversight has happened every single year on the spinning-chaired TV show since it started in 2012. Previous winners have included whats-his-name, that bird and dude with the hair. However none of them were able to
- [Cheshire College first to offer language course in Animated GIFs](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/03/26/cheshire-college-first-to-offer-language-course-in-animated-gifs/) - The Ellesmere Port campus of Cheshire College is the first of its kind in the UK to offer a languages course in Animated GIFs. The three year course, which is currently taking applications for new students for this Summer, will reportedly teach students the language of Animated GIFs, and have students fluent within three years.
- [Sugar Puffs to be renamed 'Saccharine Shirt Lifters'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/03/20/sugar-puffs-to-be-renamed-saccharine-shirt-lifters/) - The breakfast cereal that used to be known as Sugar Puffs is to be renamed again, this time to Saccharine Shirt Lifters. The cereal was renamed in 2014 to Honey Monster Puffs because they wanted to fool parents into thinking it was filled with sugar. However, retailers felt the new name lost some of the
- [Facebook Likes marginally better than prayers, confirms Pope](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/03/07/facebook-likes-marginally-better-than-prayers-confirms-pope/) - Pope Francis has today confirmed that Facebook 'likes' are marginally better than prayers when it comes to offering them in support of a worthwhile cause. Speaking from his luxury home in the Vatican, the Supreme Pontiff was asked whether Facebook memes of children with cancer, containing text such as "1 like = 1 prayer", were
- [YOLO Tells Momo to F.O.](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/03/04/yolo-tells-momo-to-f-o/) - YOLO has returned from 2011 to tell Momo to Fuck Off, it has been confirmed. YOLO, which means You Only Live Once and was coined because people are too stupid to understand 'carpe diem', was a 'thing' nearly 10 years when it was introduced by rapper Drake. Idiots embraced the idea, branding their bodies with
- [Tommy Robinson urges supporters to boycott social media](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/27/tommy-robinson-urges-supporters-to-boycott-social-media/) - People's champion, Tommy Robinson, has called for his army of loyal fans to boycott social media until his Facebook account is restored. Tommy was banned from Facebook this week, after the social media giant took offense to the TRUTH being shared by the man who isn't afraid to expose evil wherever he sees it (so
- [Merseyrail plays 'Big Bang Theory' style prank on passengers](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/20/merseyrail-plays-big-bang-theory-style-prank-on-passengers/) - The pranksters at Merseyrail have admitted to playing an elaborate practical joke on passengers, inspired by the cult US comedy 'The Big Bang Theory'. The joke, which has been noticed by a handful of passengers, centres around a toilet which has been 'Out of Service' since before anyone can remember. In the comedy TV series,
- [Gammons tell Shamima Begum to stay on International Space Station](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/19/gammons-tell-shamima-begum-to-stay-on-international-space-station/) - British Schoolgirl, Shamima Begum, has been told by the UK's gammons to remain on the International Space Station. Shamima left the UK in 2015, from her home in London. According to the nation's gammons this was to live on the International Space Station, which is currently orbiting the earth. The International Space Station is also
- [Beluga XL not big enough for your Ma](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/14/beluga-xl-not-big-enough-for-your-ma/) - The Beluga XL has arrived in Hawarden, after flying over Chester and Ellesmere Port, to pick up your Ma. Unfortunately, despite its enormous size the huge aircraft still isn't big enough for your Ma. Your Ma has been waiting patiently in Hawarden for the gigantic aircraft in the hope she could finally fit on a
- [Disaster movies where government ignores scientists reclassified as documentaries](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/13/disaster-movies-where-government-ignores-scientists-reclassified-as-documentaries/) - Big-budget Hollywood disaster movies, such as 2012 and San Andreas, have been reclassified as documentaries by the Internet Movie Database (IMDB). In the movies, scientists warn about impending disaster such as hurricanes, tsunamis and earthquakes but their warnings fall on deaf ears from governments who don't want to know. The resulting disaster then kills more
- [Cleaner praises man who throws chewing gum into urinal](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/11/cleaner-praises-man-who-throws-chewing-gum-into-urinal/) - A seventy-two-year-old woman from Ellesmere Port, Viv Thomas, has heaped praise on an unknown man for constantly spitting his chewing gum into a urinal. Viv has a part-time job cleaning a local business centre three days a week, as her pension from her days as a factory worker doesn't provide her with enough to live
- [Margaret Thatcher statue to be displayed in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/08/margaret-thatcher-statue-to-be-displayed-in-ellesmere-port/) - The statue of former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, is to be displayed in Ellesmere Port, it has been revealed. The statue, which cost a modest £300,000 to produce in bronze, was originally intended to be displayed in Parliament Square, London. However it has been decided instead to place the statue in Ellesmere Port, a town
- [Man suffers PTSD on recent trip to IKEA](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/04/man-suffers-ptsd-on-recent-trip-to-ikea/) - An Ellesmere Port man has been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after his recent trip to IKEA, in Warrington. The thirty-two-year-old man, from Stanny Lane, visited IKEA this past weekend believing he would be in the store for just 'a few minutes' to pick up a display cabinet he had seen on the
- [Geordie buys long-sleeved T-Shirt for Chicago trip](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/31/geordie-buys-long-sleeved-t-shirt-for-chicago-trip/) - A 19-year-old Geordie lad, named Jon, has purchased a long-sleeved Tee for his trip to Chicago after learning of the extra-cold weather they're experiencing at the moment. Chicago is currently in the wake of a 'Polar Vortex', which has been brought on by freezing Arctic winds. Temperatures in Chicago have reached as low as -30C
- [Country with no players but billions of dollars mysteriously wins Asian Cup](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/02/01/country-with-no-players-but-billions-of-dollars-mysteriously-wins-asian-cup/) - Qatar, a country with no footballers of note and no history in football, has mysteriously won the Asian Cup Final, defeating four-time winners Japan. Qatar will also mysteriously host the 2022 FIFA World Cup despite having no stadiums, a climate too hot for physical activity during the summer and a total ban on alcohol. The
- [Government hires YODEL to deliver Brexit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/28/government-hires-yodel-to-deliver-brexit/) - In a move of unrivaled incompetence, the Tory government has hired parcel-delivery shirkers YODEL to deliver Brexit. YODEL, it was revealed by this week's Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, is the perfect partner to deliver this shitstorm of a shambles. YODEL has famously won the poll on Money Saving Expert's website several years running for 'Worst
- [4x4 drivers especially smug this morning](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/23/4x4-drivers-especially-smug-this-morning/) - Some light snowfall in certain areas of the UK, including Ellesmere Port and Chester, has resulted in increased smugness levels from 4x4 drivers. The smugness of 4x4 drivers is usually very high at the best of times, as they apply the 'go anywhere' aspect of the 4x4 to their attitude to parking - choosing street
- [Piers Morgan still a cunt](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/21/piers-morgan-still-a-cunt/) - It was today confirmed that annoying fat head, Piers Morgan, is still a cunt. Rumours were circulating online yesterday that the argumentative tosspot was no longer a cunt, but these rumours were never substantiated. However, this morning experts were able to verify that Morgan, despite claims to the contrary, is indeed a cunt. Anyone who
- [Arsenal defeat unites nation in mockery of Piers Morgan](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/15/arsenal-defeat-unites-nation-in-mockery-of-piers-morgan/) - Arsenal's latest humiliating defeat has brought the country together in its dislike of famed moron, Piers Morgan. The defeat for Arsenal has sparked the interest of both football fans, and non-football fans, as the chance to mock Piers Morgan proves too much to pass up. Even fans of Arsenal themselves have found it too tempting
- [Jacob Rees-Mogg questioned over Whitechapel murders](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/12/19/jacob-rees-mogg-questioned-over-whitechapel-murders/) - Victorian time traveller, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been questioned by police over a series of grizzly murders that were committed in Whitechapel, London, between 1888 and 1891. Rees-Mogg spent most of yesterday afternoon being grilled by Scotland Yard detectives, before being released on bail and being picked up by his nanny. A spokeswoman for Rees-Mogg has
- [Boris Johnson to return to selling Sugar Puffs](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/04/boris-johnson-to-return-to-selling-sugar-puffs/) - Flop-haired serial shagger, Boris Johnson, is to return to his original career advertising Sugar Puffs on the television. Boris walked out of the job peddling the Quaker Oats cereal in 2014 after they changed the name to Honey Monster Puffs. Boris has always preferred the original names of things, such as whiff-whaff to table tennis,
- [CONFIRMED: 97% of chefs wipe their cock on Piers Morgan’s food](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/03/confirmed-97-of-chefs-wipe-their-cock-on-piers-morgans-food/) - A recent poll of the nation's chefs has confirmed that 97% admitted to wiping their cock on Piers Morgan's food before he eats it. The poll, which surveyed 2,500 chefs from across the UK, has seen the number of chefs who put 'todger to tortellini' rise from 89% last year. Annoying fat head, Morgan, caused
- [Mrs Brown's Boys officially the second biggest cause of suicides over festive period](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2019/01/02/mrs-browns-boys-officially-the-second-biggest-cause-of-suicides-over-festive-period/) - Figures released by emotional support charity, The Samaritans, show that the BBC 'comedy' Mrs Brown's Boys was responsible for the second highest number of suicides during December. The Samaritans say the TV program caused suicidal thoughts in record numbers of Brits, with 26 acting on those thoughts and choosing to end it all. Mrs Brown's
- [Childless Couple Seeks 'Most Annoying' Christmas Present for Friends' Kids](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/12/06/childless-couple-seeks-most-annoying-christmas-present-for-friends-kids/) - A childless, incredibly happy, couple from Chester are shopping for the most annoying Christmas present for their friends' kids. Twenty-somethings Jenny and James Rowlands, from Curzon Park, have been scouring the shops around Chester, and throughout Cheshire Oaks, looking for the perfect present for the children of their friends Ian and Libby Dyer, from Ellesmere
- [Gerry McCann to enter the jungle](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/28/gerry-mccann-to-enter-the-jungle/) - Parenting expert, Gerry McCann, has been revealed as the latest celebrity to enter the jungle on ITV’s hit show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. McCann entered the jungle yesterday, and viewers will be able to see his first day in tonight’s episode of the reality TV show. According to sources, McCann’s entry
- [Sacha Baron Cohen confirms Donald Trump is one of his characters](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/26/sacha-baron-cohen-confirms-donald-trump-is-one-of-his-characters/) - Comedy actor Sacha Baron Cohen, best known for playing Ali G and Borat, has today confirmed that President Donald Trump is in fact another of his crazy characters. Cohen, perhaps best-known for portraying the talentless rapper Ali G, let the cat out of the bag (or the hamster off of the head) on Twitter this
- [Michael Gove returns to animated crime-fighting job](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/19/michael-gove-returns-to-animated-crime-fighting-job/) - In a shock announcement that will further destabilise Prime Minister Theresa May’s shaky government, Environment Secretary Michael Gove has stood down from his post to return to his previous job as an animated crime fighter. Gove, who has been the Secretary of State for the Environment since 2017, handed in his notice this morning after
- [New Brexit Secretary, Snake Plissken, pledges Escape from Europe](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/16/new-brexit-secretary-snake-plissken-pledges-escape-from-europe/) - Theresa May has taken the unorthodox step of appointing fictional outlaw Snake Plissken as the new Brexit Secretary. Plissken has a reputation of not following the rules, disobeying authority and generally being difficult to control. However, he is also very adept at escaping from things and that’s just what the government needs right now according
- [ITV confirms Jungle Winner to be new Brexit Secretary](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/16/itv-confirms-jungle-winner-to-be-new-brexit-secretary/) - ITV has confirmed the winner of this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here will become the new Brexit Secretary, and will lead the charge to get the UK out of Europe. Traditionally, the winner of the bug and balls-eating ITV show wins a shoddily put together crown, and a stint advertising frozen
- [Gammons enraged nobody wants to own f*cking up the UK](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/15/gammons-enraged-nobody-wants-to-own-fcking-up-the-uk/) - The nation’s gammons are said to be furious that nobody wants to take ownership for utterly f*cking up the country. Today saw Dominic Raab, the Brexit Secretary, resign the morning after the proposed trade deal to leave the EU was presented to Cabinet. His refusal to play a role in the UK shooting itself in
- [Spice Girls to perform at Whitby Sports & Social Club](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/12/spice-girls-to-perform-at-whitby-sports-social-club/) - 90s girl group, the Spice Girls, have added Ellesmere Port’s Whitby Sports & Social Club to their tour dates for 2019. The Spice Girls, who will be performing without ‘Posh’ Victoria, recently announced dates for their reunion tour. However, the demand for tickets was so high that they’ve just added new dates to the tour
- [Freedome now FREE after successful false advertising claim](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/11/05/freedome-now-free-after-successful-false-advertising-claim/) - ADHD creche, the Freedome in Ellesmere Port, has been forced to stop charging customers after a successful challenge over its name. Single mother, and junior partner at Chester-based law firm McDonald & King, Lorraine Muff, brought the claim against the operators of Freedome after taking her daughter there last month. Lorraine took her eight-year-old daughter,
- [Blacks to use back 6 rows confirms Ryanair](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/28/blacks-to-use-back-6-rows-confirms-ryanair/) - Budget airline Ryanair has confirmed plans to dispel the current belief that it tolerates racism aboard its aircraft. The plans, outlined this morning, include setting aside the rear six rows of all aircraft for ‘passengers of colour’. In recent days the airline has been accused of permitting racism aboard its aircraft after a white man
- [32 year old man still believes in Toilet Roll Fairy](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/28/32-year-old-man-still-believes-in-toilet-roll-fairy/) - A fully grown man, from Neston in Ellesmere Port, still firmly believes the toilet rolls in the house he shares with his 28 year old girlfriend Sarah are replenished by the ‘Toilet Roll Fairy’. The man, 32 year old James Markell, works for an IT firm on the Wirral. He has lived with Sarah for
- [Ellesmere Port café wins Halloween decoration contest despite not putting up decorations](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/28/ellesmere-port-cafe-wins-halloween-decoration-contest-despite-not-putting-up-decorations/) - A local café, in the Port Arcades, has won a nationwide Halloween decoration contest without entering, or putting up a single Halloween decoration. The café, which asked not to be named, was entered in the national contest by one of its regular customers, Brian Bumstead, from Little Sutton. The contest has been running for the
- [Countess of Chester Hospital replaces Emergency Unit with Healing Crystals Ward](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/23/countess-of-chester-hospital-replaces-emergency-unit-with-healing-crystals-ward/) - Chester’s nearest hospital has taken the unusual step of scrapping its emergency ward in favour of a new Healing Crystals ward. The move was made after a mums Facebook focus group decided the healing properties of crystals are far greater than the ‘so-called’ expert doctors who don’t know what they’re talking about. Rather than treat
- [Cliff Richard changes his name to Iff](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/10/cliff-richard-changes-his-name-to-iff/) - Sir Cliff Richard has announced that he is following the example set by Kanye West, and has changed his name to ‘Iff’. Kaye West recently announced he is now called ‘Ye’, in a bid to take his twattery to new levels unreached by a rapper. This has prompted aging pop star Cliff Richard to follow
- [The X Factor Live Shows Week 1 confirmed as Chesney Hawkes Week](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/05/the-x-factor-live-shows-week-1-confirmed-as-chesney-hawkes-week/) - As the annual TV singing competition, The X Factor, heads towards the live shows the theme for the first week has been leaked online. The theme of Week 1 will be Chesney Hawkes Week, where each of the finalists will take on one of Chesney’s classic hit. Although the identities of the finalists has yet
- [Doctors warn of UK coma epidemic as Michael Owen set to commentate on Man UTD game](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/04/doctors-warn-of-uk-coma-epidemic-as-michael-owen-set-to-commentate-on-man-utd-game/) - Leading British doctors have predicted a rise in comas across the UK this weekend. The epitome of dull, monotone Michael Owen, has been chosen to commentate on the equally dull Manchester United on BT Sport. While Michael Owen is considered by many enough to put people to sleep, he creates the ‘perfect storm’ of tedium
- [Local FURY as Cheshire Oaks renamed ‘Chester Oaks’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/03/local-fury-as-cheshire-oaks-renamed-chester-oaks/) - Ellesmere Port residents are reportedly furious at the decision to change the name of Cheshire Oaks to Chester Oaks. The name change, which has already been made on the sly, wasn’t initially spotted until highlighted by local Facebook mum Tracey Fury. Tracey posted about the name change on a local Facebook group, which caused outrage
- [Mum OUTRAGED as teacher tells breastfeeding student 'I hope you've brought enough for everyone'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/10/01/mum-outraged-as-teacher-tells-breastfeeding-student-i-hope-youve-brought-enough-for-everyone/) - An Ellesmere Port mum has spoken of her disgust at her daughter being told ‘I hope you’ve brought enough for everyone’ by her teacher as she breastfed her new-born baby while in school. Thirteen-year-old Cassidy Snowdrop was breastfeeding five-week-old daughter Harmony Loveisland during her biology class at Ellesmere Port Catholic High School. Her teacher, Mr
- [Tommy Robinson to 'read' the BFG on CBeebies Bedtime Stories](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/09/10/tommy-robinson-to-read-the-bfg-on-cbeebies-bedtime-stories/) - Loveable champion of the people, Tommy Robinson, is to 'read' a CBeebies Bedtime Story this week. Tommy will be reading the Roald Dahl classic ‘The BFG’, a story about accepting people for their differences and putting aside unwarranted prejudices. The story is to be aired on September 13th, for Roald Dahl Day – which is
- [Fans FURY as Meat Loaf now Halal](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/09/06/fans-fury-as-meat-loaf-now-halal/) - Singer Meat Loaf has sparked anger among his army of fans by becoming Halal. Meat Loaf, or ‘Meat’ to his friends, has never appealed to Muslim fans due to the non-Halal nature of his being. Now, in an attempt to reach a new set of fans in the increasing Muslim population in both the USA
- [McDonald's to trial vending machines in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/09/05/mcdonalds-to-trial-vending-machines-in-ellesmere-port/) - Peddler of high calorie children’s’ meals, McDonald’s, is to trial new vending machines in Ellesmere Port due to the uproar caused by the recent closure of the town’s only McDonald’s ‘restaurant’. The Maccy Ds in Cheshire Oaks closed down a few weeks ago so they could widen the restaurant to accommodate the town’s increasing waistlines,
- [Man unexpectedly receives lecture on how ‘meat is murder’ after ordering Vegan waffle](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/09/04/man-unexpectedly-receives-lecture-on-how-meat-is-murder-after-ordering-vegan-waffle/) - An Ellesmere Port man was subjected to a three-hour lecture on how meat is murder after asking for ‘Vegan waffle’ in a local independent café. The man, 26-year-old Tom from Little Sutton, was expecting to receive a mildly enjoyable pancake type dessert when he asked for the Vegan waffle, but instead had to listen to
- [500 DEAD as Stanlow fire sparks Ellesmere Port Purge](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/23/500-dead-as-stanlow-fire-sparks-ellesmere-port-purge/) - A raging fire at the Stanlow Oil Refinery yesterday sparked Ellesmere Port’s first annual PURGE, which saw over 500 people killed during the evening’s violence. The chemical plant, owned by Shell, burst into flames yesterday afternoon causing the area to be evacuated and fire crews to attempt to battle the blaze. However, the primitive nature
- [Ellesmere Port votes 'NO' on incest ban](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/20/ellesmere-port-votes-no-on-incest-ban/) - A proposed ban on inbreeding in Ellesmere Port, the last UK town where the practice is permitted, has been heavily defeated in this weekend’s vote. Locals took to the polls over the weekend to decide whether or not to follow the rest of the UK’s move in 1908 to ban incest, the practice of sexual
- [40-year-old toy collector definitely NOT a sociopath](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/16/40-year-old-toy-collector-definitely-not-a-sociopath/) - A man in his early forties has revealed he is absolutely not a sociopath, despite his preference for small plastic robots over people. The man, who lives in Ellesmere Port, prefers to avoid human interaction wherever possible and has chosen a career when he can hide away behind a computer and not have to speak
- [Corbyn laid wreath for Megatron at Autobot City](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/15/corbyn-laid-wreath-for-megatron-at-autobot-city/) - SHOCKING news emerged this morning as it was revealed Jeremy Corbyn laid a wreath for diabolical Decepticon leader Megatron at the scene of his demise, Autobot City. The EVIL Megatron was fatally wounded in a battle with the noble and heroic Optimus Prime, before being carried away by his terrorist army and never seen again.
- [Sooty confirmed as new James Bond](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/15/sooty-confirmed-as-new-james-bond/) - Popular children’s entertainer Sooty has been confirmed as taking over from Daniel Craig in the 007 franchise. Daniel Craig’s next film, due later this year, will be his last the studio has confirmed. Speculation has been rife in recent weeks over who would replace Craig as the world famous English secret agent, with rumours abound
- [Grapes reclassified as 'wine foetuses' by alcohol rights campaigners](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/08/01/grapes-reclassified-as-wine-foetuses-by-alcohol-rights-campaigners/) - A bold campaign by alcohol rights groups is expected to be successful in labelling grapes as wine foetuses, giving grapes the same rights as wine. Under the proposed new UK legislation, it would be illegal to eat grapes before they have had the chance to reach their full potential and become wine. The move has
- [Shitting in a cupboard voted best thing about caravan holidays](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/07/30/shitting-in-a-cupboard-voted-best-thing-about-caravan-holidays/) - In a recent survey of caravaners from The Caravan Club, taking a shit in a cupboard came top of the most enjoyed things about a caravan holiday. Other activities that rated highly included eating off cheap plastic plates, and showering in a cold, public toilet block. Promoters of unpleasant holidays, The Caravan Club, recently polled
- [2,500 people inadvertently sign petition BACKING Gypsy and Traveller site in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/07/20/2500-people-inadvertently-sign-petition-backing-gypsy-and-traveller-site-in-ellesmere-port/) - A double-negative has meant that over 2,500 people have signed an online petition BACKING the creation of a proposed transit site in Ellesmere Port for gypsies and travellers. The online petition was intended to oppose the plans but, due to a grammatical mistake akin to those made by President Trump, the petition has instead backed
- [Man with ZERO interest in football hopes tonight he can stop pretending](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/07/11/man-with-zero-interest-in-football-hopes-tonight-he-can-stop-pretending/) - A CHESTER man, who describes himself as ‘bohemian’, has been feigning an interest in football for the past four weeks and tonight hopes he can finally give up the act. Thirty-two-year-old Edwin, from Chester, would rather spend his time reading Cheshire Life, researching the latest Craft Ale brewing techniques and discussing the merits of classical
- [Tories launch Twat replacement service](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/07/09/tories-launch-twat-replacement-service/) - As the Tories lose yet another twat, Therese May has followed the nation’s woeful train operators in launching a ‘twat replacement service’. Train operators, such as Merseyrail, have long since had a ‘bus replacement service’ where one slow, ineffective service is replaced with something even worse. With it being something of a British tradition to
- [Fat kids turn to cannibalism as McDonalds closes for three months](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/07/02/fat-kids-turn-to-cannibalism-as-mcdonalds-closes-for-three-months/) - As the shocking news emerged today that Cheshire Oaks McDonalds is closing for three months, Ellesmere Port’s fat kids have already started eating each other. The thought of a drop in their daily intake of lard, bread and an unidentifiable meat product has caused them to panic and start chomping on other, weaker fat kids.
- [Queen wins Chester’s inaugural gurning competition](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/06/14/queen-wins-chesters-inaugural-gurning-competition/) - Her Majesty the Queen arrived in Chester this afternoon to enter the town’s inaugural gurning competition, where people attempt to make the most unpleasant facial expressions they can. The competition attracted entrants from all over Chester, with some really old and rubbery faced trouts making some pretty unpleasant faces. Her Majesty beat off all commers
- [FIFA awards 2026 World Cup to highest briber](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/06/13/fifa-awards-2026-world-cup-to-highest-briber/) - A huge suitcase stuffed with cash was said to be the deciding factor on choosing the destination of the 2026 World Cup. FIFA today revealed that a combined bid between the USA, Canada and Mexico was successful after its bid was compared against a rival bid from Morocco, with the Moroccan bid said to be
- [Couple insists hot tub isn't a sex stew](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/06/06/couple-insists-hot-tub-isnt-a-sex-stew/) - A CHESTER couple has recently claimed their new hot tub isn’t a sex stew, contrary to the opinions of their friends and public perception. The couple, twenty-two-year-old Danielle and twenty-six-year-old Carl, from Blacon, bought the hot tub after a recent scratch card win. They claim the hot tub is for ‘relaxing’ and ‘destressing’ and not,
- [Dolphin gets tattoo of human on its arse](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/06/05/dolphin-gets-tattoo-of-human-on-its-arse/) - Blue Planet Aquarium, in Ellesmere Port, announced this morning that one of its dolphins had acquired a tattoo. The dolphin, named Jackson, has a new tattoo of a human female on its arse. According to sources, the dolphin wanted the tattoo after seeing one of the Blue Planet Aquarium workers, named Kelly, bend over outside
- [Boris Johnson to represent UK in Eurovision 2019](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/14/boris-johnson-to-represent-uk-in-eurovision-2019/) - UK to show Europe what an idiot who just makes stupid noises is all about. Following the winner of this year’s Eurovision, Netta from Israel, singing a song that was just a collection of strange noises and chicken impressions, the UK has finally accepted the challenge thrown down by Europe. In past competitions the UK
- [Ellesmere Port Gym FORCED to have gender-neutral changing rooms](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/14/ellesmere-port-gym-forced-to-have-gender-neutral-changing-rooms/) - Gender campaigners have won a battle to force an Ellesmere Port gym to ditch its outdated ‘male’ and ‘female’ changing rooms in favour of non-gender specific ones. The campaign’s aim was to put an end to the labelling people faced by being classified as one gender or another. Now, when anyone uses the changing rooms
- [Room without a roof not particularly ‘happy’ Pharrell informed](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/09/room-without-a-roof-not-particularly-happy-pharrell-informed/) - Popular rapper Pharrell Williams has been informed that a room missing its roof isn’t particularly happy, correcting his earlier confusion. In an upbeat tune, Pharrell sang of how a room without a roof was compared to being happy, but he now understands this was a false analogy. A room missing its roof, such as following
- [Lorry driver begins 20-minute overtaking manoevre](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/08/lorry-driver-begins-20-minute-overtaking-manoevre/) - The driver of a Pound Stretcher lorry has just commenced a marathon 20-minute overtaking manoeuvre on the M42. The lorry driver is attempting to overtake a Fred Sherwood lorry while, at the same time, causing maximum inconvenience for other motorists. The driver of the Pound Stretcher lorry is forty-six-year-old Phil Hardman, from Chester. He had
- [Not a single problem that couldn't be solved with more guns - claims Trump](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/08/not-a-single-problem-that-couldnt-be-solved-with-more-guns-claims-trump/) - Orange buffoon, Donald Trump, declared there isn’t a single problem in the world that couldn’t be solved by adding more guns to the mix. Speaking in front of an audience of dribbling idiots, or the National Rifle Association to give them their full name, Trump’s speech was littered with lies, idiotic comments and mimes of
- [Boring James Milner parody account to SUE James Milner for copyright infringement](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/03/boring-james-milner-parody-account-to-sue-james-milner-for-copyright-infringement/) - The PARODY Twitter account for James Milner, @BoringMilner, has announced it is suing the Liverpool player James Milner for copyright infringement. For several years Boring James Milner has been posting on Twitter as James Milner, sharing extremely mundane tweets about James’ fictional yet uneventful life. However, the real James Milner took to Twitter recently using
- [Facebook requests for ‘Eye Tint TIA’ confirmed as code for ANAL BLEACHING](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/01/facebook-requests-eye-tint-tia-confirmed-code-anal-bleaching/) - Eye Tint TIA actually means 'Anal Bleaching - Troublesome Itchy Anus' it has been revealed. Frequent requests on Facebook groups for someone to do ‘Eye Tint TIA’ doesn’t actually have anything to do with the eyes, it has been confirmed. To casual readers the ‘TIA’ stands for ‘thanks in advance’ but, in fact, it actually
- [Ellesmere Port police issues WARNING over gang of wanted fugitives](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/05/01/ellesmere-port-police-issues-warning-gang-wanted-fugitives/) - Locals in Ellesmere Port have been warned by police to be vigilant over a gang of escaped convicts who are believed to be active in the area. The gang is reported to be extremely dangerous, and they are also armed, though no reports of anyone being shot have come to light. The gang consists of
- [Scientists PROVE giving birth 'not that painful'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/30/scientists-prove-giving-birth-not-painful/) - LEADING scientists have today proven that the ‘pain’ women claim to feel during childbirth is, in fact, not that painful at all. For many years the fairer sex has claimed that childbirth is extremely painful but, thanks to new research from leading scientists, we now know that not to be true. The illusion of pain
- [Woman asking for recommendations on Facebook really wants the cheapest](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/13/woman-asking-recommendations-facebook-really-wants-cheapest/) - An Ellesmere Port woman posting on Facebook for personal recommendations isn’t in the slightest bit interested in the quality, it has been confirmed. Twenty-six-year-old Sharon, from Rochester Drive, is actually only interested in whoever can do it for the cheapest price. Sharon posted the latest in a long line of requests for recommendations on local
- [Ellesmere Port Asda first to hire FAT PEOPLE as human bicycle racks](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/11/ellesmere-port-asda-first-hire-fat-people-human-bicycle-racks/) - Chubby trouser tamers can now earn some extra pasty money by acting as bicycle racks outside Asda in Ellesmere Port. The move was announced this week by Asda, as they look to offer shoppers a safe place to store their bicycles while they shop and put a little back into the community by giving jobs
- [Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey questioned by police over celebrity deaths](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/06/arsenals-aaron-ramsey-questioned-by-police-over-celebrity-deaths/) - Arsenal and Wales footballer, Aaron Ramsey, is today being questioned by Metropolitan Police detectives over a spate of celebrity deaths. It is alleged that Mr Ramsey is connected to a series of celebrity deaths dating back to 2009, with victims including Whitney Houston, Ted Kennedy and Bruce Forsyth. The footballer played and scored twice for
- [Man disappointed to find ‘Women’s Breast Stroke’ meant something else](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/06/man-disappointed-find-womens-breast-stroke-meant-something-else/) - Dean Thomas, from Ellesmere Port, was disappointed today when he had cleared his afternoon to watch the final of the Women’s Breaststroke. Dean, who usually spends his afternoons watching Jeremy Kyle, had settled down on the sofa of his Little Sutton two-bed council house with a box of tissues, ready for some breast stroking action.
- [I’ve already completed new Man City sponsor Tinder, claims Raheem Sterling](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/05/ive-already-completed-new-man-city-sponsor-tinder-claims-raheem-sterling/) - Diminutive money-grabber, Raheem Sterling, claims to have already completed the game Tinder as they were announced as Manchester City’s new shirt sleeve sponsor earlier today. Tinder was in talks with City’s rivals Manchester United to be their shirt sleeve sponsor, but a secret behind the scenes battle between Sterling and Man UTD legend Ryan Giggs
- [David Dickinson FURY as Corbyn admits HATRED of orange Jews](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/04/david-dickinson-fury-corbyn-admits-hatred-orange-jews/) - Bronzed TV host, David Dickinson, is enraged at the latest anti-Semitic outburst from Jeremy Corbyn. In a recent appearance on the breakfast TV show, Saturday Kitchen, Corbyn declared his hatred of Jews once more and, in particular, orange ones such as Mr Dickinson. The disgusting outburst was even more surprising given the nature of the
- [Coinstar CEO laughing tits off at poor who give him money](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/03/coinstar-ceo-laughing-tits-off-poor-give-money/) - The CEO of Coinstar, Erik E. Prusch, has been laughing his absolute tits off at all of the poor people who chuck their money into his machines in exchange for vouchers worth a little less money than the coins they’ve just deposited. He can’t believe how stupid they all are, and he’s absolutely loving it,
- [People who put milk in tea first have lower IQs, confirm scientists](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/03/people-put-milk-tea-first-lower-iqs-confirm-scientists/) - A new report from leading scientists has confirmed that people who put their milk in their tea before the water suffer from lower intelligence. The report, released just last week, was produced by scientists working out of MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) and was led by Chester-born scientist Timothy Teathorpe. The report showed that anyone
- [Jeremy Hunt’s parents confirm typo when registering his name](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/29/jeremy-hunts-parents-confirm-typo-registering-name/) - The parents of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt have confirmed there was a typo when they registered his name, and his name is actually Jeremy *unt. His parents, Nicholas and Meriel *unt, made the mistake when registering the birth of Jeremy in 1966 in London. Mr *unt’s full name is Jeremy Richard Streynsham *unt, but after
- [Racist morons shocked chief racist moron banned from Twitter](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/29/racist-morons-shocked-chief-racist-moron-banned-twitter/) - A cluster of racist idiots have expressed their dismay on the social networking website, Twitter, about the banning of their imperious leader. The decision by Twitter to remove the Twitter account of a man who calls himself Tommy Robinson (not his real name) was made earlier this week, but it’s a decision that has really
- [England Car Flags BANNED by Brussels](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/28/england-car-flags-banned-brussels/) - Police instructed to issue £50 spot fines for anyone caught with them on their cars. In a parting shot against the UK, European bureaucrats have decreed that ENGLAND fans may not display flags on their cars in support of the national team in this summer’s World Cup. The move comes as the UK has decided
- [Costa Coffee to open new coffee shops inside people’s houses](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/27/costa-coffee-open-new-coffee-shops-inside-peoples-houses/) - Virally spreading coffee chain, Costa Coffee, has launched a new scheme to open coffee shops inside the homes of customers, and the expanding company is piloting the program in Ellesmere Port. Costa Coffee, described by detractors as the Japanese Knotweed of the coffee world, has been aggressively opening new branches of its coffee shop all
- [Costa to open new Costa inside a Costa](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/27/costa-open-new-costa-inside-costa/) - Costa Coffee announced this week it was planning to open a new branch of Costa inside an existing Costa. We recently reported how the coffee chain was planning to expand its chain of coffee shops within Ellesmere Port to 23 by the end of the year. Since that report, several new Costas have opened, including
- [Court rules “Vegans: Eat Bacon and Shut Up”](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/26/court-rules-vegans-eat-bacon-and-shut-up/) - In a historic judgement, Chester Magistrates Court has ruled that vegans must eat bacon and shut up. The decision, announced earlier today, means that vegans can no longer prattle on about not eating meat, and trying to guilt-trip everyone else into following suit. Now any vegan who feels the urge to tell people about their
- [Ellesmere Port Church Embraces April Fool’s Day with ‘Man Rises from the Dead’ Prank](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/04/01/ellesmere-port-church-embraces-april-fools-day-man-rises-dead-prank/) - St Thomas and All Saints Church, in Ellesmere Port, has embraced the spirit of April Fool’s Day today with an elaborate prank about a man rising from the dead. The Church played the practical joke this morning, with hundreds of people falling for it and turning up at the Church on Whitby Road to see
- [Man blissfully unaware facing direction he’s walking results in fewer collisions](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/26/man-blissfully-unaware-facing-direction-hes-walking-results-fewer-collisions/) - An Ellesmere Port man recently bumped into no fewer than SEVENTEEN different people while walking around Cheshire Oaks. Each time he bumped into someone he uttered some form of apology, but was incredulous as to how it had happened despite refusing to face the direction he was walking. The man spent thirty minutes walking around
- [Londoner phones Liverpool and spends 10 minutes speaking with fax machine](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/23/londoner-phones-liverpool-and-spends-10-minutes-speaking-with-fax-machine/) - A businessman from London recently spent 10 minutes on the phone to a fax machine, believing he was speaking with a scouser. The man, thirty-eight-year-old Tarquin Trent Alexander Ravenscroft, believed he was telephoning his northern letting agent to check on his property portfolio in Liverpool. However, a misdialled number meant he was actually connected to
- [Ellesmere Port Summer Jam Double Booked with Nudist Festival](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/22/ellesmere-port-summer-jam-double-booked-nudist-festival/) - Sunday 'jammers' need to be as naked as nature intended, it has been confirmed. Last year we reported how this summer’s Ellesmere Port Summer Jam was double-booked on the Saturday with a women’s rights march, so the Saturday was now women only. This caused a lot of controversy, with some men insisting they would still
- [José Mourinho advising government on quick European exit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/20/jose-mourinho-advising-government-quick-european-exit/) - With Brexit talks reaching a critical point this week, the government has turned to an expert on exiting Europe. Manchester United manager José Mourinho has been called in to advise Theresa May and Boris Johnson on how Britain can leave Europe quickly, cleanly and with minimal fuss. Mourinho is seen by the government as the
- [Game of Thrones struggling to find UK locations where winter hasn’t already arrived](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/19/game-thrones-struggling-find-uk-locations-winter-hasnt-already-arrived/) - Producers on the hit HBO series, Game of Thrones, have been struggling to find locations within the UK for filming where winter is merely ‘coming’. The saying used by many of the show’s characters, ‘Winter is Coming’, references the impending winter that the fictitious land of Westeros will succumb to, and will be under for
- [Brighthouse now accepting human souls as payment](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/19/brighthouse-now-accepting-human-souls-payment/) - Popular chav store, Brighthouse, has confirmed it is now accepting human souls as payment for products in each of its 270+ shops. The ‘rent to buy’ store, famous for charging two or three times the price for items shoppers could easily purchase elsewhere, made the move after its CEO Hamish Paton struck a deal with
- [Geoffrey found HANGED in Chester branch of Toys R Us](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/16/geoffrey-found-hanged-chester-branch-toys-r-us/) - The Toys R Us giraffe, known as Geoffrey, was discovered this morning hanged in the Chester branch of the store. Police do not suspect foul play, and believe the giraffe took his own life. Throughout the existence of Toys R Us, Geoffrey was employed advertising the store across the world and would merrily hum along
- [English FA announces team will boycott second half of World Cup (Again)](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/15/english-fa-announces-team-will-boycott-second-half-world-cup/) - The English Football Association has announced the England Football team will boycott the second half of the World Cup in Russia, in protest against the suspected Russian attack on citizens in the UK. While some have called for the FA to boycott the World Cup in Russia altogether, the FA has decided it will, instead,
- [Doctor prescribes Facebook 'like and share' treatment for Cancer sufferer](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/13/doctor-prescribes-facebook-like-share-treatment-cancer-sufferer/) - A Cancer specialist at the Countess of Chester Hospital has taken the radical step of prescribing a course of Facebook likes and shares for a young girl battling the disease. The specialist, Doctor Charles Cook, prescribed the treatment ahead of more conventional methods usually undertaken by the NHS. Six-year-old Emily, from Ellesmere Port, was diagnosed
- [‘Sorry About the Smell’ voted NEW Ellesmere Port town slogan](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/06/sorry-smell-voted-new-ellesmere-port-town-slogan/) - A competition to find a new town slogan for Ellesmere Port has found a popular winner, with the chosen slogan set to be used on literature, signage and in online media. Many towns in the UK have slogans to promote them, and Ellesmere Port’s town leaders wanted a slogan that encapsulates everything that is good
- [English rock band ‘Manfred Mann’ forced to change name to ‘Gender-Neutral Fred Gender Neutral’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/05/english-rock-band-manfred-mann-forced-change-name-gender-neutral-fred-gender-neutral/) - LIBERAL campaigners have successfully forced the 1960s English rock band, Manfred Mann, to change their name to Gender-Neutral Fred Gender Neutral so as not to offend people who do not identify with a particular gender. This has caused considerable difficulty to the band’s founding member, also named Manfred Mann, as he too has had to
- [Jayda Fransen to front new Daz: Whiter Than White campaign](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/05/jayda-fransen-front-new-daz-whiter-white-campaign/) - Britain First pin-up, Jayda Fransen, has been selected to front a new TV campaign for the washing powder Daz. Fransen, who recently had some tweets on the subject of whites being better than colours retweeted by US president Donald Trump, was triumphant in securing the Daz campaign from a hotly contested shortlist. The shortlist included
- [“Don’t turn this rape into a murder” voted best northern chat-up line](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/05/dont-turn-rape-murder-voted-best-northern-chat-line/) - In a recent poll of the best chat-up lines used in the north of England, the outstanding winner with 67% of the votes was ‘don’t turn this rape into a murder’, by Ellesmere Port local James Atkins. James, who spends his nights out in Chester, claims the chat-up line has a very high success rate
- [BMW issues apology after selling car to man who isn’t a twat](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/03/05/bmw-issues-apology-selling-car-man-isnt-twat/) - German car manufacturer, BMW, has issued a full and unreserved apology after it emerged they sold a car to a man who isn’t a complete twat. The man, twenty-three-year-old Jason Hitchens from Ellesmere Port, bought the car from the dealership last November. The dealer believed Jason to be a twat, the requirement for anyone wishing
- [Woman gives money to homeless man and DOESN’T post it on Facebook](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/28/woman-gives-money-homeless-man-doesnt-post-facebook/) - An Ellesmere Port woman this week gave some money, and some food, to a local homeless man but neglected to tell the world on social media, it has been confirmed. The woman, who wished to remain nameless because she’s not an attention seeking shrew, gave the homeless man ten English pounds earlier this week. She
- [Post-Brexit citizenship test to include cheering when barman drops a glass](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/27/post-brexit-citizenship-test-include-cheering-barman-drops-glass/) - There’s nothing more British than revelling in another’s misfortune, and that will be tested in the new citizenship test to be implemented after Brexit. Rather than face a series of boring questions designed to test how much someone knows about the UK, which is what currently happens, people wishing to live in Britain will be
- [Jeremy Corbyn questioned over Madeleine McCann disappearance](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/21/jeremy-corbyn-questioned-madeleine-mccann-disappearance/) - Under-fire Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has been interviewed by police over the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. His alleged connection to the disappearance of McCann, who vanished in 2007, has prompted calls from both Tory and Labour MPs for him to resign. Corbyn was questioned by special investigators earlier today after new evidence claimed he was
- [Man lists ‘taking a shit’ among his favourite pastimes](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/20/man-lists-taking-shit-among-favourite-pastimes/) - In a recent conversation with friends Ellesmere Port man, John Chubs, has listed having a good shit as one of his favourite hobbies. The discussion took place at The Rake pub, in Ellesmere Port, between John and several of his friends. The topic of conversation turned to hobbies, and his friends started to reel off
- [Tommy Robinson Announces De-Colouring Book](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/19/tommy-robinson-announces-de-colouring-book/) - Conformity champion and former EDL leader, Tommy Robinson, has appeared on morning television to announce his de-colouring book. The new book hopes to tap into the trend of adults buying colouring books, but with a twist for those who dislike foreigners or people who look a bit different. Unlike normal colouring books, the de-colouring book
- [NRA approved targets featuring school children to go on sale](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/19/nra-approved-targets-featuring-school-children-to-go-on-sale/) - The NRA (National Rifle Association) is to release a set of shooting targets depicting school and college kids to help passionate shooters maximise their impact in the next school gun massacre. A mass school shooting occurs in the USA every few months, where gun-toting rifle fanatics take their arsenal of legally-obtained weapons to a local
- [Tourette’s revealed as hoax by people who like swearing](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/13/tourettes-revealed-hoax-people-like-swearing/) - Popular comedic disorder, Tourette’s, which sees people swear their tits off at inappropriate moments, has been revealed as a hoax, it has been confirmed. The founder of Tourette Syndrome, or ‘Tourette’s’, Georges Gilles de la Tourette has been exposed as a prankster who made the whole thing up just because he liked saying naughty words
- [Pancake Day: Day dedicated to flat-chested women](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/13/pancake-day-day-dedicated-flat-chested-women/) - Today marks the annual day dedicated to women with small headlamps: Pancake Day. While religion enthusiasts, and people who like to eat masses of food before collapsing into a food coma, believe the day is about them, the true meaning of pancake day is to celebrate women with tiny Bristols. Pancake Day was first founded
- [Requests for ‘bouncy castles’ on Facebook confirmed as code for plus size prostitutes](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/12/requests-bouncy-castles-facebook-confirmed-code-plus-size-prostitutes/) - When people ask for recommendations for bouncy castles on Facebook, they’re really asking for recommendations for large prostitutes, it has been revealed. Facebook users have, for some years, been confused as to why so many people seem to be looking for bouncy castles. Barely a day goes by when someone doesn't ask for a recommendation
- [Britain wins Winter Olympic Gold in Defrosting your Car with a Kettle](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/12/britain-wins-winter-olympic-gold-defrosting-car-kettle/) - Brian Jenkins, from CHESTER, has won gold in the Winter Olympics in the men’s Defrosting your Car with a Kettle event. His wife, Sharon, goes for gold in the women’s event later today. The Winter Olympics, held in PyeongChang in South Korea, has thrown up a few surprises already this year but none more so
- [Gerry McCann to play VILLAIN in Steven Seagal child-trafficking movie](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/09/gerry-mccann-play-villain-steven-seagal-child-trafficking-movie/) - Parenting expert, Gerry McCann, is to launch his acting career playing the villain opposite 80s portly powerhouse Steven Seagal in a new action film. The film, titled Above the Kill, is being filmed over the next six weeks in Russia, and is about a child abduction ring headed by McCann’s character ‘Victor’. Seagal plays former
- [Ellesmere Port residents claim Wombles aren’t pulling their weight](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/09/ellesmere-port-residents-claim-wombles-arent-pulling-weight/) - Some residents in ELLESMERE PORT have announced they’re dissatisfied with the work being put in by Wombles, as the town still looks a shit-tip. They have complained to the council that the Wombles aren’t cleaning up after them when they throw their rubbish into the street, and into their gardens. The Wombles were advertised as
- [Cheddar Man declared ‘Fit for work’ by DWP](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/09/cheddar-man-declared-fit-work-dwp/) - The Cheddar Man, who has not been officially named for legal reasons, has been declared fit for work by the Department for Work and Pensions. The man, who recently hit the news for having dark skin yet still claiming to be British, was suspected to be dead by the DWP. However, after making the mistake
- [5ive looking for two new members for Ellesmere Port Summer Jam](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/08/5ive-looking-two-new-members-ellesmere-port-summer-jam/) - 90s boy band 5ive has announced they’re looking for two temporary members to perform on stage with them at the Ellesmere Port Summer Jam, which is being held in Whitby Park in July. The Summer Jam takes place on Friday 27th, Saturday 28th and Sunday 29th July this year. The three remaining members of 5ive,
- [Ellesmere Port residents to be hit by proposed new Trolley Tax](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/08/ellesmere-port-residents-hit-proposed-new-trolley-tax/) - Residents of ELLESMERE PORT are expected to be some of the worst affected in the UK if the Tories' new proposed ‘Trolley Tax’ is implemented next month. The tax is another of the hard-hitting tariffs by the Tories to affect the lower classes, and has been dubbed by Labour MPs as another shot fired in
- [Car 300,000 miles from earth has Audi ‘up its arse flashing its lights’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/07/car-300000-miles-earth-audi-arse-flashing-lights/) - A car owned by suspected Bond villain Elon Musk has been launched into space in order to orbit Mars. However, the car has already suffered the fate of all motorists and has had to endure a black Audi right up its arse, flashing its lights. The car, a red Tesla, has been launched into space
- [Rick Astley gives you up following stint in rehab](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/07/rick-astley-gives-following-stint-rehab/) - Quiffed 80’s icon Rick Astley has finally kicked his reliance on you after spending three weeks in rehab. The Lancastrian entertainer famously insisted he was unable to give you up but, thanks to help from medical experts, is now free from you. Mr Astley was admitted to rehab just before Christmas, after an intervention by
- [Weetbix launches Weetabrexit breakfast cereal](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/05/weetbix-launches-weetabrexit-breakfast-cereal/) - Breakfast cereal Weetabix is getting behind the anti-EU vibe that’s sweeping the UK by launching a special ‘Brexit’ version of its cereal, named Weetabrexit. The cereal goes on sale from next week in the UK, and will be available from Asda, Sainsbury’s, Tesco and Morrisons. The cereal isn’t just a PR stunt, either, as it
- [Chester restaurant charges breastfeeding mum corkage fee](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/02/chester-restaurant-charges-breastfeeding-mum-corkage-fee/) - An Italian restaurant in Chester has caused outrage among mothers’ groups after it charged a breastfeeding mother a corkage fee for feeding her child. The restaurant, Alessandro Nesta’s, near Chester train station, forced the young mother from Ellesmere Port to pay their £15 corkage fee for bringing in your own drinks. The young mother, twenty-two-year-old
- [Pornhub to follow Formula One and ban attractive women](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/02/pornhub-to-follow-formula-one-and-ban-attractive-women/) - Pornography website Pornhub has announced it is to follow F1 and darts by banning attractive women. Formula One announced, this week, that it was banning Grid Girls from next season as the presence of attractive women in hot pants was offending other women who, presumably, wouldn’t wear hot pants. The girls, who were paid to
- [Monopoly: Ellesmere Port Edition available now from Asda](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/02/monopoly-ellesmere-port-edition-available-now-asda/) - A special Ellesmere Port Edition of Monopoly has been released today, and is available to buy from Asda. The special edition of the popular property trading game has been released in limited numbers, and is expected to sell out very quickly – so fans of the game are advised to snap up their copy as
- [Facebook post unable to be deleted as woman forgets to add ‘Delete if not aloud’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/02/01/facebook-post-unable-deleted-woman-forgets-add-delete-not-aloud/) - An Ellesmere Port woman forgot to add ‘delete if not aloud’ to her Facebook post this week, meaning group admins were unable to delete the post by law. ‘Delete if not aloud’ is the social media equivalent of a legal disclaimer, and means that you’re giving any social media admins your permission to delete the
- [Jeremy Kyle clears calendar after visit to Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/31/jeremy-kyle-clears-calendar-visit-ellesmere-port/) - Bug-eyed aggressive chav baiter, Jeremy Kyle, has cleared his calendar for the next 6 months after spending 20 minutes in the Port Arcades in Ellesmere Port. Kyle, who has made millions from laughing at the dregs of society and mocking them on national television, has been scouting locations for the next series of his ITV
- [One scolding tap and one freezing tap best way to wash hands – claim British](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/30/one-scolding-tap-one-freezing-tap-best-way-wash-hands-claim-british/) - Whisking your hands quickly between two taps is by far the most effective way to wash your hands, say Brits. While the rest of the world uses something called a ‘mixer tap’, the British insist that using one scolding hot tap and one freezing cold tap is a much better way of doing things. The
- [What happens when an irresistible twat meets an immovable cunt](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/29/happens-irresistible-twat-meets-immovable-cunt/) - Piers Morg*n and Donald Tr*mp met this weekend, to decide once and for all who was the bigger bellend. The Two Twitter Twats locked horns for a TV debate, where they attempted to discover which was the greater helmet. Piers Morg*n, the current UK champion in the prick stakes, took on the reigning US and
- [Chester FC needs to raise £50,000 to pay interest on £5 Wonga loan from 2017](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/26/chester-fc-needs-raise-50000-pay-interest-5-wonga-loan-2017/) - Chester FC has announced it is in deep financial bother this week as it needs to raise £50,000 by the end of the month in order to meet the interest payments on a £5 Wonga loan. The loan was taken out in November last year by one of the directors to buy a sandwich and
- [Pissheads call for a ‘Wet February’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/26/pissheads-call-wet-february/) - Following Dry January, where hoity-toity people bang on about not drinking for the whole month, booze hounds have called for a ‘Wet February’, where drinking every day is to be observed. Every year, following the Christmas excesses, really annoying people make it clear to all that they’ve given up alcohol for the month of January.
- [£2 MILLION lottery winner plans to spend HALF of fortune on 5 days at Center Parcs](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/26/2-million-lottery-winner-plans-spend-half-fortune-5-days-center-parcs/) - Ellesmere Port woman Mary Chow is excitedly planning a holiday of a lifetime at Center Parcs after scooping £2 million on this week’s lottery. Mary, a lawyer who works in Chester but lives in Ellesmere Port, never thought she and her family would be able to afford a trip to one of the four Center
- [Chester Zoo to open exhibit of Ellesmere Port men](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/24/chester-zoo-open-exhibit-ellesmere-port-men/) - The popular tourist attraction, Chester Zoo, has announced it is to open an exhibit featuring men from Ellesmere Port. The exhibit, entitled ‘Primitive Port’, is due to open in August and features a number of men who have wandered into the zoo from Ellesmere Port, and failed to find their way out again. Rather than
- [English F.A. accidentally appoints wrong Neville after Phil answers Gary’s phone](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/24/english-f-accidentally-appoints-wrong-neville-phil-answers-garys-phone/) - The English F.A. was left red-faced this morning after they realised they had appointed Phil Neville instead of Gary Neville as the manager of the Women’s National Team. The F.A. had phoned Gary Neville yesterday to offer him the job, and he had appeared to have accepted verbally. However, yesterday evening proved hugely embarrassing when
- [Mr Men range updated with Mr Unemployed and Little Miss Brexit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/24/mr-men-range-updated-mr-unemployed-little-miss-brexit/) - In an effort to appeal to a more modern audience, the line of Mr Men and Little Miss books is receiving a make-over, with a host of new characters being introduced. The new characters include Mr Unemployed, who is depicted holding a bottle of beer and smoking a cigarette, and Little Miss Brexit, who is
- [KFC Challenge: Try to eat here without being disappointed at the direction your life has taken](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/22/kfc-challenge-try-eat-without-disappointed-direction-life-taken/) - KFC, in Ellesmere Port, has issued a challenge to its customers to eat a ‘meal’ in the ‘restaurant’ without feeling in disappointed in the direction their life has taken. So far nobody has successfully completed the challenge. The fast food restaurant, famed for its chicken served in brightly coloured buckets, has been providing sustenance for
- [Diners delighted to see children’s party enter restaurant](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/22/diners-delighted-see-childrens-party-enter-restaurant/) - Restaurant goers in a local branch of Prezzo were delighted, this weekend, when a children’s seventh birthday party was booked at the same time. Before the party entered, the mood in the restaurant was one of sombre dismay, with diners making polite conversation and eating their Italian styled meals. The atmosphere inside the restaurant was
- [Zombie Apocalypse broke out in Ellesmere Port 6 weeks ago - NOBODY noticed](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/22/zombie-apocalypse-broke-ellesmere-port-6-weeks-ago-nobody-noticed/) - Ellesmere Port has been confirmed as Ground Zero for the zombie apocalypse, although the people of Ellesmere Port are completely unaware of anything out of the ordinary having occurred. The zombie outbreak started before Christmas, when locals began panic-buying bread and milk, and youths were seen patrolling the streets with melee weapons such as bicycle
- [The Voice exposed as FBI Witness Protection Program](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/19/voice-exposed-fbi-witness-protection-program/) - The FBI, in the USA, has been exposed as having created the TV ‘talent’ show ‘The Voice’ as a witness protection program so that its star witnesses could disappear effectively. The show, which was originally believed to be a sort of ‘launch pad’ for new singers, came under investigation after its contestants were never seen
- [Nominate your dealer for Drug Dealer of the Year 2018](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/17/nominate-dealer-drug-dealer-year-2018/) - If your dealer is voted Drug Dealer of the Year 2018 he, or she, will win £1,000 in cash and you will receive £1,000 in the gear of your choice. Has your drug dealer gone the extra mile for you? Have they let you off paying if you’re hard up? Have they dropped off a
- [Family of meerkats escapes Chester Zoo](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/16/family-meerkats-escapes-chester-zoo/) - An entire family of meerkats has plotted and executed a daring escape from Chester Zoo, it was confirmed earlier today. According to sources, the meerkats formed a ladder by standing on each other’s shoulders, before they were able to reach the top, and the escapees climbed the ladder to exit over the top wall. The
- [Tattoo Fixer Jay Hutton offers free tattoos for anyone who tweets the photo](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/16/tattoo-fixer-jay-hutton-offers-free-tattoos-anyone-tweets-photo/) - Star of Tattoo Fixers, Jay Hutton, has announced he’s offering free tattoos for anyone who is willing to share photographs of the tattoo on their social media channels. The star made the announcement after he brokered a similar deal with a wedding photographer to take photos of his upcoming wedding, to fiancée Monica Rose. The
- [British passengers forced to strip for EU airport security following Brexit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/16/british-passengers-forced-strip-eu-airport-security-following-brexit/) - Anyone travelling to within the EU on a British passport will now be forced to strip naked for airport security, it has been revealed. The latest salvo from the EU in imposing ridiculous sanctions on Britain following our decision to leave their ‘union’ was realised this morning, when passengers at Manchester Airport travelling to Paris
- [Chester to reintroduce Roman style communal toilets](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/15/chester-reintroduce-roman-style-communal-toilets/) - Chester is to spark a return to its Roman roots by reintroducing Roman style communal toilets. The move is part of a government scheme to ‘bring back the good old days’ for UK towns and cities, and Chester’s Roman history has marked it out as a flagship city in the campaign. One of the ways
- [Donald Trump cancels King's Landing visit](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/12/donald-trump-cancels-kings-landing-visit/) - Orange buffoon, Donald Trump, has cancelled his visit to King’s Landing amid fears he wouldn’t be welcome in Westeros by the Lannisters. Trump was due to visit King’s Landing in February to open a new US embassy, but has decided not to attend as he’s afraid of what Queen, Cersei Lannister, might do to him.
- [Thomas the Tank Engine arrested in Operation Yewtree sting](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/10/thomas-tank-engine-arrested-operation-yewtree-sting/) - Another children’s TV icon has fallen by the wayside as 80s favourite Thomas the Tank Engine has been implicated in a sex-abuse scandal following a two-month long Operation Yewtree sting. Mr Tank Engine was arrested earlier this morning, in a dawn raid, and was led away, red faced, by police. Investigators then turned over his
- [Trump gamifies executions with real games of HANGMAN](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/10/trump-gamifies-executions-real-games-hangman/) - In an attempt to make state executions more interesting, and appealing to the public, President Trump has introduced the ‘gamification’ of executions. Gamification is a relatively new term that makes games out of mundane, or work-related, tasks in order to encourage people to complete them. Executions in the USA have been lagging in popularity, of
- [YODEL and CSA combine to create one big clusterfuck](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/09/yodel-csa-combine-create-one-big-clusterfuck/) - Lovers of absolute chaos and dimwittery are rejoicing today as the Child Support Agency announced a partnership deal with parcel destroyer YODEL. YODEL is consistently voted the worst courier firm year after year in the Moneysavingexpert.com poll, and bosses hope this deal with the Child Support Agency will take public hatred to new levels. The
- [EXCLUSIVE: What bin men get up to on their SIX DAYS OFF](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/09/exclusive-bin-men-get-six-days-off/) - We recently spent some time with some local Ellesmere Port bin men to see how they spend their ample free time. The results may shock and surprise you! Everyone knows that bin men have a cushy job. They work only one day a week, and even then just in the mornings, and then have six
- [Woman's yeast infection disproves 'What happens in Vegas' theory](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/08/womans-yeast-infection-disproves-happens-vegas-theory/) - Twenty-two-year-old Debbie, from Ellesmere Port, has contracted a terrible YEAST INFECTION on a recent trip to Las Vegas with the girlies. Debbie travelled out to Vegas late last month for a long weekend to celebrate her best mate Donna’s impending nuptials. Typically, things got out of hand and Debbie acted somewhat out of character. In
- [CSA employee commended for causing most father suicides](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/08/csa-employee-commended-causing-father-suicides/) - A Child Support Agency employee, from Birkenhead, has received the organisation’s top award for causing the most deaths among fathers. Jenifer Bradbury, 26, was presented with the award at the CSA’s annual awards gala last week. In 2017, Jenifer was directly responsible for seven father suicides, the highest number caused by any caseworker last year.
- [125% of people surveyed don’t understand percentages, survey finds](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/05/125-people-surveyed-dont-understand-percentages-survey-finds/) - A recent survey of 2,000 Ellesmere Port residents has uncovered that 125% of people have no idea how percentages work. The survey was conducted in the Port Arcades and town centre in the run up to Christmas, by marketing firm Yellow Pig. The marketers had a list of questions they asked Ellesmere Port shoppers, to
- [Ellesmere Port terrorised by big metal sky dragon](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/04/ellesmere-port-terrorised-big-metal-sky-dragon/) - Ellesmere Port residents live in the grip of fear of a great mechanical beast that flies through the night skies, spreading terror to the villagers below. The big metal monster, known as ‘Chopper’, flies over the town once darkness falls and causes widespread panic among the locals, who rally round to warn each other about
- [McCanns to open childminding business](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/03/mccanns-open-childminding-business/) - Parenting experts, Kate and Gerry McCann, have announced they’re to open a new childminding business in Chester. The new business, named ‘Hide and Seek Tots’, is due to open next week and will feature an open day on the Thursday. The nursery will also feature a special dining area, where parents can go to get
- [Train fares disprove 'what goes up' theory](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/02/train-fares-disprove-goes-theory/) - The prices commuters have to pay for a train have, today, disproven the long-standing belief that ‘what goes up must come down’. The theory, originally attributed to Sir Isaac Newton, was believed to be coined when he discovered gravity. However, the UK’s train companies have today disproved that theory as fares have shown no signs
- [British 'Hansel and Gretel' leave predatory witch homeless](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2018/01/02/british-hansel-gretel-leave-predatory-witch-homeless/) - An evil witch has been left homeless after a brother and sister, from Ellesmere Port, scoffed her entire house. The witch, 376-year-old Agnes, had lived in a gingerbread house in Germany for the past 200 years. She recently moved to a new gingerbread house in the UK, located in Whitby Park. Her gingerbread house, made
- [December best month for spotting shit neighbourhoods, says property guru](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/22/december-best-month-spotting-shit-neighbourhoods-says-property-guru/) - Property guru Phil Spencer, one half of ‘Kirsty and Phil’ from TV’s Location Location Location has claimed that December is the best month for house hunting, contrary to popular belief. Phil claims that December allows house hunters to spot the sort of shite neighbourhoods they should avoid, as chavs announce their presence by draping their
- [Ellesmere Port man SHOCKED things in other towns cost more than a pound](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/21/ellesmere-port-man-shocked-things-towns-cost-pound/) - A local man, Kevin Jones, has revealed his utter shock that items available from shops in towns other than Ellesmere Port cost more than a pound. Mr Jones recently visited the town of Reading, on a stag do, and popped into a local shop to pick up some items he needed. He put three items
- [Woman finds store opening time WITHOUT asking Facebook](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/20/woman-finds-store-opening-time-without-asking-facebook/) - An ELLESMERE PORT woman has discovered the opening time of a local shop she wanted to visit without asking on Facebook. The woman, 32-year-old Lisa from Little Sutton, usually asks Facebook for everything and was about to ask local group Pride in the Port what time Asda opens. However, she thought she’d try this new
- [Mystery of STOLEN Ellesmere Port bikes solved](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/18/mystery-stolen-ellesmere-port-bikes-solved/) - ELLESMERE PORT residents have been bemoaning the theft of bicycles around the town for many months, with seemingly no end in sight. The Chester Bugle can now exclusively reveal the reason behind the theft; it is to make the next big mode of transport to sweep the Port – the Trolley-Bike. Ellesmere Port has held
- [Cat plotting revenge for owners making it look like a twat](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/18/cat-plotting-revenge-owners-making-look-like-twat/) - A local cat has been quietly plotting his revenge against the owners who have dressed him up to look like a twat, it has been revealed. The cat has been placed in a basket covered with tinsel, and adorned with a Santa hat, all in the name of getting a cute photo for a Facebook
- [Chester student planning to work entire hour this term](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/18/chester-student-planning-work-entire-hour-term/) - A University of Chester student has announced plans to put in a full hour’s work this term, it has been revealed. The hour of work, if accomplished, will smash the record set by the student for work completed during a full term. The student, studying one of the really pointless sociology degrees, has announced the
- [Dad annoyed by lack of Bond movie on Boxing Day](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/16/dad-annoyed-lack-bond-movie-boxing-day/) - A local dad has just had a massive rant at the lack of any James Bond movie on the TV on Boxing Day. The dad, from Chester, has just been going through his TV planner selecting what shows to record over the Christmas period and stopped in shock when he reached December 26th and noticed
- [Football fans chanting 'is this a library?' never set foot in a library, study finds](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/15/football-fans-chanting-library-never-set-foot-library-study-finds/) - A recent study has discovered that away football fans chanting about libraries, and how quiet the home crowd is, have actually never been in a library. During this week’s Liverpool v West Brom match, the away support chanted throughout about how quiet Anfield was, and they compared it to being in a library. However, a
- [Local drilling company replaces diamond drill bits with Holiday Inn butters](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/12/local-drilling-company-replaces-diamond-drill-bits-holiday-inn-butters/) - A local drilling firm, LMR Drilling UK Ltd, based in Birkenhead, has made the revolutionary step of swapping expensive diamond drill bits for Holiday Inn butters, it has been revealed. Diamonds have been used within drilling for decades, as they are one of the toughest substances known to man and make excellent tips for drills
- [We’re out out, stop asking if anyone’s seen us – say cats](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/12/stop-asking-anyones-seen-us-say-cats/) - The nation’s cats have issued a statement saying they’re out out, not just out, and they’re fed up of people asking if anyone’s seen them. Cats across the UK have had a guts full of their part-time owners posting on social media sites such as Facebook asking if anyone has seen ‘Tiddles’ or ‘Rory’ when
- [Paul Burrell announces Ellesmere Port mayoral candidacy](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/11/paul-burrell-announces-ellesmere-port-mayoral-candidacy/) - Beloved TV celebrity, Paul Burrell, has announced he is to stand for mayor of Ellesmere Port when the current mayor, Peter Rooney, ends his term in May of next year. Burrell, who became famous as the butler and confident of Princess Diana, has spent the last few years crafting his media career and wooing TV
- [I've got 99 problems but the bitch ain't one - insists train enthusiast](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/11/ive-got-99-problems-bitch-aint-one-insists-train-enthusiast/) - Local Ellesmere Port train spotter, Colin Bland, claims to have 99 problems in his life but the bitch, he says, is not amongst them. Colin has been spotting trains for 30 years, and claims to lead a rich and fulfilling life – but one that does have its problems. 99 of them in fact. One
- [Ellesmere Port twinned with LazyTown](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/11/ellesmere-port-twinned-lazytown/) - Cheshire West and Chester Council is pleased to announce that Ellesmere Port has just confirmed a second town twinning arrangement, with LazyTown, in Iceland. LazyTown is a fictional town and children’s TV series, which was aired on Nickelodeon and CBeebies. The inhabitants of LazyTown are very lazy, and opt to stay in all day on
- [Light snow opens up new chapter in Merseyrail excuses manual](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/11/light-snow-opens-new-chapter-merseyrail-excuses-manual/) - A light dusting of snow this weekend allowed Merseyrail to open up a seldom used chapter in their excuses manual. The much-maligned train operator normally has to use excuses such as ‘there were no drivers’, ‘there was a technical fault’ or just simply ‘we cancelled it because it was late’. However, the snowfall this weekend
- [Man buys 'the Christmas booze' for the third time](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/07/man-buys-christmas-booze-third-time/) - A Chester man has just bought the Christmas booze for the third time, we can reveal. The man, from Blacon, has just filled up his car with a selection of beers from Morrisons in Chester. The beers include a variety of pale ales and IPAs, all of which were on some form of multi-buy offer
- [Ken Barlow quits Corrie to avoid being typecast](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/08/ken-barlow-quits-corrie-avoid-typecast/) - Actor William Roach, who plays Ken Barlow in the ITV soap opera Coronation Street, has announced he is to leave the Street to avoid being typecast. William Roach has played Ken Barlow since the first episode, which aired on December 9th 1960. Ken has become a mainstay of the soap over the years, but William
- [Man watching beach volleyball has no idea who is winning](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/06/man-watching-beach-volleyball-no-idea-winning/) - A man has been intensely watching beach volleyball for the past four hours, but doesn’t have any idea who is winning – it has been revealed. Furthermore, he is utterly clueless to the rules, the scoring system or indeed the competition being played for. Brad Thomas, from Chester, has been sat in his living room
- [It’s the Pepsi truck, is that OK? Shoppers told](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/06/pepsi-truck-ok-shoppers-told/) - Sugar drink-loving shoppers hoping to see the Coca Cola truck in Liverpool One were left disappointed last night, as they were told it was the Pepsi truck instead. Shoppers queued for hours to see the famed red and white decorated Coca Cola truck, and to listen to a rendition of The Holidays Are Coming, before
- [Police helicopter befuddles bemused locals](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/05/police-helicopter-befuddles-bemused-locals/) - The presence of the police helicopter in Ellesmere Port causes utter commotion every time it takes to the air, it has been confirmed. The helicopter strikes fear and alarm in local residents as they marvel at the strange noise overhead. Whenever the police helicopter patrols over Ellesmere Port, whether looking for a suspect, responding to
- [Sexually adventurous couple indicates how many fingers they like up the bum during sex](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/04/sexually-adventurous-couple-indicates-many-fingers-like-bum-sex/) - In a recent survey, a sexually adventurous couple told an interviewer how many fingers they like each other to put up their bum during sex. Both members answered ‘two’, which seemed to be the norm, according to results. The couple, Paul and Jayda, were interviewed in the sex survey as they exited a party they
- [EPSV offers free 12-months membership to migrants](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/18/epsv-offers-free-12-months-membership-migrants/) - The EPSV (Ellesmere Port Sports Village) is offering free 12-month memberships to migrants today only to celebrate International Migrants Day. International Migrants Day is celebrated on December 18th each year, and was appointed by the General Assembly of United Nations. The day has been celebrated since it was founded in 2000. To help celebrate the
- [YODEL trials parcel delivery catapult](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/04/yodel-trials-parcel-delivery-catapult/) - Parcel delivery firm YODEL is to trial a catapult to improve its ailing delivery service. The catapult, being trialled in Ellesmere Port and Chester, is being hailed as a ‘gamechanger’ in the field of logistics and parcel delivery. The catapult is believed to be able to handle up to 50 parcels at a time, and
- [Local tip voted third best day out in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/02/local-tip-voted-third-best-day-ellesmere-port/) - The Ellesmere Port tip has been voted the third best day out for local residents, in a recent survey, it has been revealed. The tip was narrowly beaten by the Blue Planet Aquarium (second) and drinking at home in the garden (first). The tip features such attractions as the ‘Bank of Bottles’ – an exhibit
- [12 arrests and 9 seriously injured in crazed Port Arcades bike protest](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/30/12-arrests-and-9-seriously-injured-in-crazed-port-arcades-bike-protest/) - A peaceful bike protest turned into a bloodbath this afternoon after protestors and security guards clashed in Ellesmere Port. The bike protest, which was organised on Facebook, started around noon outside Poundstretcher and was planned to end peacefully near the market.The protestors wanted to stand up for their right to ride their bikes through the
- [Prince Harry’s stag do to start in Ellesmere Port’s oldest surviving pub](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/28/prince-harrys-stag-start-ellesmere-ports-oldest-surviving-pub/) - The Horse & Jockey, the oldest surviving pub in Ellesmere Port, is to be the stage for the start of Prince Henry of Wales’ (Harry, to his friends) stag do before his marriage to American actress Meghan Markle. After leaving the Horse & Jockey, presumably in an even worse state than they found it, the
- [EU orders UK supermarkets to stop baking French products](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/27/eu-orders-uk-supermarkets-stop-baking-french-products/) - In another swipe at the UK’s decision to vote for Brexit, the EU has ordered three of the four big UK supermarkets to stop baking French products in the stores. Sainsbury’s, Tesco and Morrisons have all been ordered to stop making the French products in their stores, and instead must import the products directly from
- [Queen watching Suits on Netflix to find out who Meghan Markle is](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/27/queen-watching-suits-netflix-find-meghan-markle/) - The Queen has been hurriedly watching Suits, on Netflix, in a bid to find out who this girl is who will be marrying her grandson. The Queen is said to be up to season 4, and thoroughly enjoying the show. Her favourite character is reportedly Lois Litt, played by Rick Hoffman. The Queen has been
- [Kevin Davy White leaves The X Factor as part of EU’s Brexit demands](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/27/kevin-davy-white-leaves-x-factor-part-eus-brexit-demands/) - This year’s The X Factor competition has been thrown into turmoil after finalist Kevin Davey White has returned to France, amid demands from the EU during the negotiations for Brexit. The EU insisted on the return of the soulful singer, back to his homeland of France, claiming that the UK could not have him any
- [Ellesmere Port and Newport go head-to-head for UK's shittest Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/24/ellesmere-port-newport-go-head-head-uks-shittest-port/) - The towns of Ellesmere Port, in Cheshire, and Newport in South Wales are neck and neck in the final for the prestigious title of the UK’s Shittest Port. Ellesmere Port narrowly defeated local rival Southport in the Northern Final, and Newport trounced Portsmouth for the Southern title. Now the two Ports are locked in a
- [Ellesmere Port bids for European Capital of Culture](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/23/ellesmere-port-bids-european-capital-culture/) - In a surprisingly pointless move, the town of Ellesmere Port has made a very late bid for European Capital of Culture, with the bid citing Cheshire Oaks as being the ‘premier retail destination of the north’ as its main reason for entering. The current UK bids for the award have come from Nottingham, Leeds, Milton
- [Baggage handlers targeted on breakages – confirms Manchester Airport](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/23/baggage-handlers-targeted-breakages-confirms-manchester-airport/) - A spokesperson for Manchester Airport has confirmed what passengers had believed for many years: their baggage handlers are actually targeted on breakages. If you’ve ever seen how suitcases and other forms of luggage are loaded and unloaded from planes at Manchester Airport, this will come as no surprise to you. Even when they’re taken on
- [Your mum banned from ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/20/mum-banned-can-eat-buffet/) - Your mum has been banned from an ‘all you can eat’ buffet in Chester, it has been revealed. The news came this week as the Tropeiro, in Chester, announced that your mum has been banned due to the huge volume of food she consumed the last time she was there. The restaurant prides itself on
- [Ellesmere Port becomes first UK town to ditch roundabout rules](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/17/ellesmere-port-becomes-first-uk-town-ditch-roundabout-rules/) - In a bold move, Ellesmere Port has become the first town in Britain to ditch roundabout regulations, it has been revealed. Council leaders announced this week that, as of today, the Highway Code regulations governing roundabouts wouldn’t be enforced in Ellesmere Port. The local residents of Ellesmere Port have always been in a state of
- [Merseyrail asks passengers to suggest new excuses for delayed service](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/15/merseyrail-asks-passengers-suggest-new-excuses-delayed-service/) - Merseyrail, the occasional operator of train services around Liverpool, Chester and Ellesmere Port, has asked passengers to suggest new excuses for their terrible service. Train passengers have often been left stranded by Merseyrail’s constant disruptions to services, and excuses such as strikes, train breakdowns, signal failures, track faults and, of course, leaves on the line
- [Energy companies admit to government targets on culling pensioners](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/13/energy-companies-admit-government-targets-culling-pensioners/) - It emerged this week that the nation’s Big Six energy companies are helping the government to curb the population by culling elderly customers. The plan is being implemented with a series of price hikes that are too high for elderly customers to afford, it has been revealed. The Big Six supply energy to over 50
- [Man with tape to replace traffic lights in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/13/man-tape-replace-traffic-lights-ellesmere-port/) - After an initial trial this weekend at Cheshire Oaks, all traffic lights in Ellesmere Port will be replaced by men holding a bit of tape. Most towns across the north west have operated traffic lights as a means of crossing the road for many years. However, in Ellesmere Port local council leaders feel that residents
- [Christmas is shit when you’re an adult – discovers 18-year-old](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/12/25/christmas-shit-youre-adult-discovers-18-year-old/) - 18-year-old Mark Jacobs, from Little Sutton, has discovered this morning that Christmas is really shit when you’re an adult. Mark turned 18 in October and, despite this, was really looking forward to Christmas this year as he has done every year of his life. However, this Christmas has proven a real disappointment now that he
- [Ellesmere Port wins European grant for abandoned trolley installation art](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/10/ellesmere-port-wins-european-grant-abandoned-trolley-installation-art/) - There was a huge financial boost this week for the struggling town of Ellesmere Port, as it was awarded a European grant for its ongoing community art project ‘The Trolley Depression’. The art project has been running for two years in Ellesmere Port, and is the first of its kind in the UK. Every member
- [Vue Cinemas to offer financial advice to customers buying popcorn](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/07/vue-cinemas-offer-financial-advice-customers-buying-popcorn/) - The FCA (Financial Conduct Authority) has announced it will regulate all sales of popcorn in UK cinemas from next month. The moves comes after watchdog groups recommended customers required financial advice when buying popcorn due to the expense, and the profit margin made by the cinemas. An average tub of popcorn can cost over £5,
- [New Ellesmere Port bus shelters to come with pre-smashed glass](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/07/new-ellesmere-port-bus-shelters-come-pre-smashed-glass/) - Cheshire West and Chester Council has announced that all new bus shelters to be placed in Ellesmere Port will, from this month onwards, come with pre-smashed glass. The move follows the council’s survey of local residents to find out what they most want in a bus shelter, with ‘smashed glass’ coming out on top. Previous
- [Police commend youths for Sutton Way FREE fireworks display](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/06/police-commend-youths-sutton-way-free-fireworks-display/) - Local Ellesmere Port police have commended youths for putting on a free fireworks display on Sutton Way on Sunday evening. Charitable youths held the free fireworks display around 8pm last night, and generously made local car owners part of their display. Now the police would like to thank the youths in person for their generosity
- [Facebook group admin sexually aroused by deleting posts](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/06/facebook-group-admin-sexually-aroused-deleting-posts/) - One of the admins of a popular Facebook group has admitted to becoming sexually aroused every time he deletes a post. The man, who chose not to be named, says he gets such a thrill from deleting posts he’s become hooked on doing it, and deletes several posts a minute just to feed his addiction.
- [Two-drink minimum imposed to see the Coca Cola truck](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/01/two-drink-minimum-imposed-see-coca-cola-truck/) - Soft-drink giant Coca-Cola has bowed to popular demand and added an extra Cheshire Oaks date to its tour, but has also imposed a two-drink minimum for those wishing to have their picture taken with the truck. The Chester Chronicle reported earlier today that the truck would not be visiting either Ellesmere Port or Chester, but
- [Gran misses sitter](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/01/gran-misses-sitter/) - During last night’s football match on BT Sport, Chester-born Michael Owen was shocked to find a gran missed a sitter. The insomnia-curing commentator is used to seeing top-flight footballers miss open goals, and would often comment how his gran could have scored them. The tables were well and truly turned in last night’s match where
- [Your lunch hour is the best time for us to visit the Post Office - confirm pensioners](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/11/01/lunch-hour-best-time-us-visit-post-office-confirm-pensioners/) - The UK’s pensioners have announced that your lunch hour in work is, in fact, the optimum time for them to make a trip to the Post Office. Betty Thorpe, from Sutton Way in Ellesmere Port, has today announced that the hours of 12-2pm are the ideal time for pensioners to visit the Post Office. Speaking
- [Creepy old men looking forward to giving sweets to kids](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/31/creepy-old-men-looking-forward-giving-sweets-kids/) - It’s that time of the year again when creepy old men can hand out sweets to young children without society judging them for their actions. Every other day of the year it’s frowned upon for older gentlemen in bathrobes to entice children to their house with the promise of sweets and chocolate but, oddly, on
- [Man teaches children patience by taking them to Harvester for lunch](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/30/man-teaches-children-patience-taking-harvester-lunch/) - An Ellesmere Port dad has taught his children the valuable lesson of patience by taking them for lunch at the Harvester on Stanney Oaks. The children had to wait over 90 minutes between entering the restaurant and getting their food, with only the salad bar to keep them sustained. Thirty-eight-year-old Thomas Mooney, from Cromwell Road,
- [Gary Glitter to switch on Cheshire Oaks Christmas Lights](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/26/gary-glitter-switch-cheshire-oaks-christmas-lights/) - 70s icon Gary Glitter has been revealed as the top billing for this year’s Christmas lights switch on at Cheshire Oaks. The McArthurGlen owned designer outlet revealed the news yesterday, together with other details about the ceremony, including the all-important date. The lights will be switched on by the cult singer on November 8th, and
- [McDonald’s to bow to customer demands and serve hot fries](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/30/mcdonalds-bow-customer-demands-serve-hot-fries/) - The Cheshire Oaks branch of McDonald's will start serving hot fries, it has been confirmed. Customers of McDonald’s, on Cheshire Oaks, have previously had two choices in the temperature of their fries. They could have ‘lukewarm’ or ‘stone cold’, with most customers opting for the stone cold variety. However, customers have long lobbied the McDonald’s
- [Couple delighted to pay three times price for TV from Brighthouse](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/24/couple-delighted-pay-three-times-price-tv-brighthouse/) - A Chester couple, Martha and Mark Macintosh, have commented on their excitement at purchasing a £300 TV from Brighthouse for a total cost of £917. The couple went shopping for a new TV last week in Ellesmere Port, but were put off by the cheap prices on Cheshire Oaks and in Argos. They were looking
- [Whitby Park Summer Jam 2018 to be women only](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/18/whitby-park-summer-jam-2018-women/) - Next summer’s Summer Jam, in Whitby Park, is to be for women only on the Saturday – it has been revealed. The event was a huge success earlier this year, when it was held on the 29th and 30th July in Whitby Park. Attendees enjoyed music from acts such as AKA Noel Gallagher (returning in
- [Costa Coffee to open further 23 branches in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/18/costa-coffee-open-23-branches-ellesmere-port/) - The growing coffee brand plans to expand its current range of seven locations within Ellesmere Port to 23 by the end of 2018, it has emerged. Ellesmere Port residents could be forgiven for thinking that there’s a branch of Costa Coffee every few yards, but that’s exactly what the Bedfordshire based brewer is planning. The
- [Grace Arms Pub to make way for mosque](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/13/grace-arms-pub-make-way-mosque/) - The future of the Grace Arms Pub, in Ellesmere Port, has become even more clouded as the developers are now planning to bulldoze the pub to make way for a mosque. The developers, Lane End Developments, are currently going through a deal to purchase the pub from the current owners, Green King. The Warrington based
- [Montoya to May: I do not think ‘Strong and Stable’ means what you think it means](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/11/montoya-may-i-not-think-strong-stable-means-think-means/) - Swashbuckling Spaniard, Inigo Montoya, has cast doubts on Prime Minister Theresa May’s understanding of the phrase ‘Strong and Stable’. Montoya, speaking exclusively to the Bugle, addressed his concerns to the beleaguered PM: “You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean” Inigo Montoya took time out from his
- [ISIS takes credit for London photo bombing](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/10/isis-takes-credit-london-photo-bombing/) - Terrorist organisation ISIS has claimed responsibility for the brutal photo bombing of a Cheshire couple’s holiday photo in London. Tom and Tammy Simkins, from Trinity Road, Ellesmere Port, had asked a stranger to take their photo while on a night out this weekend in London. The stranger took several photos of the couple, which they
- [Guns to be made compulsory in US schools](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/04/guns-made-compulsory-us-schools/) - President Trump today announced that US school children would be forced to carry guns while on school grounds to keep them safe from any potential invaders. The President, speaking from Trump Tower in Las Vegas, made the executive order just days after the terrible incident outside the Mandalay Bay Hotel, where dozens of victims were
- [We’re not getting younger, you’re getting older – confirm police](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/03/not-getting-younger-youre-getting-older-confirm-police/) - British police have confirmed that, contrary to popular belief, they are not getting younger. In a statement released earlier today, the police announced that their ages are not reducing, even though it may seem that way. The statement read: We, the police, are not getting younger. So please stop mentioning it. The police added that
- [Lannisters hit out at parent group comparing them to McCanns](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/02/lannisters-hit-parent-group-comparing-mccanns/) - Cersei and Jamie Lannister hit out a parent group this week that branded their parenting skills ‘as bad as the McCanns’. The parent group Mumsnet this week launched a scathing attack on the Lannisters for their poor parenting skills, skills which have seen all three of their children killed. The parent group, made up of
- [Liverpool agree £12m January deal for defender Juan Sheet](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/02/liverpool-agree-12m-january-deal-defender-juan-sheet/) - Liverpool’s leaky defence is to be shored up by Spaniard Juan Sheet, who ‘does the job of three’. The Red Army’s defence was exposed again this weekend as Newcastle scored a bizarre equalizer, made possible by the huge gap left in-between Matip and Lovren. Manager Jürgen Klopp, having failed in the Summer to bolster his
- [Welshman lasts nearly two days into 'Go Sober for October', sets new personal best](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/02/welshman-lasts-nearly-two-days-go-sober-october-sets-new-personal-best/) - Bryn Thomas, from Chester, lasted almost 12 hours into October 2nd without consuming alcohol for the month. He had planned, as he does every year, to stay ‘Sober for October’ in a bid to improve his health, finances and general overall image. However Bryn fell short of his target once again when a colleague suggested
- [Sainsbury's announces "it's f*cking Christmas, Bitches!"](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/10/02/sainsburys-announces-fcking-christmas-bitches/) - After months of shoppers asking when the Christmas offers would go up, Sainsbury’s in Ellesmere Port today answered that question – October 2nd. Traditionally Sainsbury’s has its Christmas offers up in mid-July, with the height of Summer seeing the start of festively decorated shelves, novelty calendars and ‘gifts for men’ dotted throughout the store. However,
- [Drivers who hog the middle lane to be put on a register](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/29/drivers-hog-middle-lane-put-register/) - A new law will come into effect next year that will see middle-lane hoggers put on a register. The law, which passed with a Commons majority of 125 votes, will see middle-lane hoggers punished for their inconsiderate actions. While the police and highways agencies have always clamped down hard on drivers who speed, or are
- [‘All you can drink’ pub to open in Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/29/can-drink-pub-open-ellesmere-port/) - A new pub is to open in Ellesmere Port town centre with an ‘all you can drink’ for £14.99 offer. The pub is part of a European chain that has been operating for the past two years in Belgium, France and Spain. The chain of pubs, La Cerveza, is owned by two Spanish brothers, the
- [EU states ‘Eggy Bread’ to be named ‘French Toast’](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/29/eu-states-eggy-bread-named-french-toast/) - In what politicians have dubbed a ‘cheap parting shot’, the EU has decreed that Eggy Bread must now be called French Toast in the UK. The decision was made this week in Brussels, behind closed doors and without the UK’s involvement. European bureaucrats informed the UK government on Wednesday, and the change must come into
- [Hugh Hefner: Heaven’s not as good as my house to be honest](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/29/hugh-hefner-heavens-not-good-house-honest/) - Multi-millionaire Hugh Hefner reached heaven this week, and was disappointed to find it didn’t live up to his usual lifestyle. ‘Hef’, as he is known, spent his entire life surrounded by twenty-something women all wanting to impress him by dancing naked and generally doing whatever he wanted them to – all with their parents’ willing
- [Jim Davidson finds work as Saudi Arabia allows women drivers](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/27/jim-davidson-finds-work-saudi-arabia-allows-women-drivers/) - Outdated cockney comedian Jim Davidson has become relevant in Saudi Arabia after they allowed women drivers for the first time. The ‘comedian’, famed for his sexist and racist routines of the 70s and 80s, has been largely off our TV screens since the demise of the game show Big Break, which he co-hosted with bearded
- [Confusing Drink Drive limit replaced with ‘Five and Drive’ rule](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/26/confusing-drink-drive-limit-replaced-five-drive-rule/) - The amount of alcohol you can safely drink before driving is to be made simpler under new legislation. The ‘Five and Drive’ rule will come into force on December 1st, and will replace the very confusing system currently in place. Under current legislation, drinkers have to work out how many units are in a particular
- [Hurricane Maria to visit Washington DC to view Trump damage](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/26/hurricane-maria-visit-washington-dc-view-trump-damage/) - The hurricane is to visit the US next week to view the damage caused by President Trump. As President Trump finally prepares to visit Puerto Rico to view the effects of Hurricane Maria on the populous, the hurricane is preparing to travel the other way to see the extreme damage caused to the United States
- [Men tell women to give glass ceiling 'bit of a clean'](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/26/men-tell-women-give-glass-ceiling-bit-clean/) - The men at a Chester based accountants have told the female staff members to give their glass ceiling a bit of a clean, it has emerged. The accountant firm, Johnson, Willy and Tackle, has been operating within the city walls for over 100 years and has, until recently, been a predominantly male-dominated work environment. The
- [NFL player takes knee in protest, accidentally gets engaged to cheerleader](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/26/nfl-player-takes-knee-protest-accidentally-gets-engaged-cheerleader/) - NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem this weekend to protest Donald Trump, and inadvertently found himself engaged to cheerleader Brandine Summer Kentucky. The protests against wannabe Bond villain, Trump, were widespread throughout the NFL during this weekend’s games, but quarterback Kaepernick got more than he bargained for when his kneeling
- [Microsoft struggles with number of people asking where Apple store is](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/23/microsoft-struggles-number-people-asking-apple-store/) - Microsoft had a busy day today as staff at its stores nationwide struggled with the demand from people wanting to know where the Apple store was. In order to meet the demand, Microsoft had to draft in temporary staff and cancel leave from fulltime staff. Microsoft’s stores were flooded with Apple fans at 9am this
- [New app allows drivers to indicate with their phone](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/22/new-app-allows-drivers-indicate-phone/) - A new app has been released that allows motorists to indicate left or right using their thumb, while they're driving. The recent law change making it illegal to use your mobile phone while driving hasn’t stopped motorists from picking up their smartphones while behind the wheel. In fact, studies show that mobile phone usage has
- [M56 to become a Toll Road](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/22/m56-become-toll-road/) - Secret plans were leaked this week to turn the M56 into a toll road. Regular users of the motorway will be aware of the almost daily disruptions caused by accidents, and council leaders have decided to act on requests to ‘do something about it’ by proposing turning the dangerous stretch of motorway into a toll
- [Cinema-goers enthralled by man talking through film](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/22/cinema-goers-enthralled-man-talking-film/) - Film fans at a recent screening at the Vue Cinema, Cheshire Oaks, were left enthralled by a man from Birkenhead who talked right the way through the movie. The man, who one viewer claimed was named ‘Steve’, chatted to his mate Baz from the initial advertisements, through the previews and right the way through the
- [Compulsory purchase order may pave way for Disneyland: Ellesmere Port](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/20/compulsory-purchase-order-may-pave-way-disneyland-ellesmere-port/) - A secret compulsory purchase order may see as many as 175 Ellesmere Port homes bought up by the Disney Corporation to construct one of their Disney theme parks here in Cheshire. The plans for Disneyland: Ellesmere Port were recently leaked online amid objections from local residents. The plans could see 175 Ellesmere Port home owners
- [New Cheshire Oaks fashion store tells shoppers "You're too ugly to enter"](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/14/new-cheshire-oaks-fashion-store-tells-shoppers-youre-ugly-enter/) - A new up-market fashion brand, recently opened in Cheshire Oaks, has caused uproar among locals by telling some shoppers they are “too ugly to enter”. The store, which requested not to be named, opened this month in Cheshire Oaks and aims its products at young, trendy people – according to a sign in the window.
- [Louie Spence announces the gays will hit Texas with another hurricane](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/2017/09/11/louie-spence-announces-the-gays-will-hit-texas-with-another-hurricane/) - Louie Spence has convened a meeting of the nation’s top gays to discuss the recent accusations from religious leaders. The gays have been blamed for causing hurricanes, floods and all manner of natural disasters across the globe by people who believe in fairies in the sky. Some of the leading gays in the UK gathered

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- [Business](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/business/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Marketing](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/business/marketing/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Finance](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/business/finance/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Politics](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/business/politics/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Celebrity](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/business/celebrity/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Lifestyle](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/lifestyle/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Travel](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/travel/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Tech](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/tech/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Gadgets](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/gadgets/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
- [Entertainment](https://www.chesterbugle.co.uk/category/entertainment/) - From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.
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