Popular cholesterol peddler, Greggs, has today announced the very first sale of a Vegan sausage roll.

The completely meat-free sausage rolls were first put on sale by Greggs, across its 2000 plus locations, in February 2019. The sausage rolls were created by the obesity-stoking pasty promoter as a publicity stunt; they never actually intended to sell any.

This morning, however, the very first Vegan sausage roll was reportedly sold by a Greggs store. Greggs in Ellesmere Port has confirmed that, at 9:23am this morning, a Vegan sausage roll was bought by a customer.


Shocked staff watched in amazement as Kevin Smith, “Fat Kev” to his mates, purchased the meatless, dairyless abomination to scoff on his way to the pub. Kevin bought the sausage roll and began to eat it seconds after exiting the shop, on Marina Drive, pausing in confusion as he took his first bite.

According to eye witnesses, Kevin looked as though all the colour had drained from his face, like a toddler who had just been told Father Christmas doesn’t exist. He staggered a few steps, before spitting the food out of his mouth and throwing the sausage roll, hard, into a parked car.

He was reported to have shouted:

Get to fuck you fucking fucker!!!

Staff at the Greggs in Ellesmere Port stared on in wonderment at someone having bought the Vegan sausage roll, but parity was restored when it dawned on them Kevin had purchased the item in error.

The sale of Greggs first ever Vegan sausage roll puts the product way ahead of company projections for sales.

Greggs’ director of marketing, Hannah Squirrell, commented:

Selling one Vegan sausage roll is an incredible effort. We’re so pleased the product has proved so popular. It’s exceeded our expectations by a huge margin.

Greggs now hopes to double its sales of Vegan sausage rolls, to TWO, within the next five years.


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