The Vegan and Vegetarian world is reeling from the news that quinoa, previously believed to be a pseudo-cereal, is in fact a cute fluffy mammal.

While vegans and vegetarians have been chowing down on quinoa for many years, delighted more by their unbearable smugness than the tasteless food, they have today been dealt a devastating blow. The big business health food giants have been lying to unsuspecting eco-warriors and wannabe bores for years by actually feeding them the processed meat of an animal found only in remote areas of China.

To make matters even worse, the quinoa (pronounced Quinn-Oh-Ah) is on the verge of extinction, largely thanks to vegetarians and vegans.


Sebastian Dork, an animal-rights activist and founder of the Quinoa Voluntary Club (QVC) believes if it weren’t for goatee-stroking tosspots called Keith the quinoa wouldn’t be endangered. He stated:

These pompous arseholes, always preaching about meat is murder and how soya tastes great, have eaten this poor little creature almost to the level of extinction.

Vegan, keen recycler and model train enthusiast, Keith Summers, commented:

I can’t believe I’ve been eating a living creature man. It makes me a murderer. What am I going to tell my girlfriend, Breeze?

Meat eater, and all-round man’s man Paul Jones, from Ellesmere Port, had little sympathy for the vegetarians and vegans.

Fuck ’em. Wankers. Servers ’em right.

Scientists believe there are fewer than 300 quinoa left in the wild. Once they have all been eaten by vegans and vegetarians it is suspected the big health food companies will have to substitute another animal, most likely to be meerkats.


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