The World Anti Doping Agency has confirmed that Vegan cheese has been added to its banned substances list. This means no athlete can consume Vegan cheese while competing or, indeed, while trying to live any sort of healthy or pleasurable lifestyle.

Vegan cheese is completely dairy and taste free, and is made from the crushed residue of plants, nuts, soy and the despair of others. While it is described as a food product, it is more suited to lining your bin, or leaving safely behind in the supermarket.

Vegan cheese also has a half life of eight thousand years.

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Dick Pound, the founder of the World Anti Doping Agency and definitely not a name we’ve made up, has confirmed Vegan cheese is no longer permitted. He commented:

We’ve not banned it because it gives any noticeable increase in performance. It has been added to our banned substances list because we’ve no idea what the f*ck it is.

Vegan cheese is typically eaten by people who care more for being f*cking annoying to everyone else than they do about enjoying their food. Anyone who eats Vegan cheese and says they like it is a f*cking liar.

Sir Mo Farah, who advertises Quorn but isn’t a vegetarian, commented:

I don’t care if it’s banned or not. I’m not touching that shit.

Vegan cheese can be found in the cleaning products aisle of your local supermarket. We advise you to leave it there.