Shaun Swallows, of Girton Road in Ellesmere Port, caused the local fire brigade to be called out after his Boxing Day shit proved so monstrous it threatened to block the drains for over half a mile.

Shaun, as he does every year, rose early on Boxing Day as his bowels were desperately in need of evacuating after eating three times his own body weight the previous day. Barely making it to the toilet, Shaun proceeded to dump enough waste down the drain to rival a small heard of cows.

Shaun began to sense he was in trouble when the waste was sufficient to press on the underside of the toilet seat, causing him to rise up by a few inches. Upon stepping down from his throne, Shaun realised any attempts to flush away the mountain would simply cause a mudslide into his bathroom of such proportions, his staircase would turn into a scene resembling a volcanic eruption.


Shaun immediately phoned the Chester Bugle, followed by the fire brigade. The fire brigade arrived within 15 minutes, as the scene described by a panicked Shaun was clearly an emergency.

Fire fighter Jose ‘Pip’ Eban, confirmed the seriousness of the situation. He commented:

That was one big pile of shit. Had Shaun attempted to flush, we would have seen turd fountains across Girton Road, Wolverham Road and Repton Road. Ellesmere Port would have been dreaming of a brown Christmas.

Shaun has been warned by the local fire brigade to stagger his toilet visits from now on, and to clear the decks between large meals, or else he’ll do more than deck the halls with bowels of holly.


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