In a bold move, Boris Johnson has announced he is axing the Child Support Agency, effective immediately, due it the amount of money the agency costs him personally.

The Child Support Agency, created in 1993 by the then Tory government, has been widely criticised over the years for its mishandling of cases. The agency was replaced by the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) in 2012, though this proved to be the same utterly useless shitfest by a different name.

Despite thousands of complaints every year, from both mothers and fathers, the CSA, or CMS, has withstood it all and continued to incompetently go about its business ruining lives and robbing families. The CSA has even employed liars and theives who have siphoned off funds into their own bank accounts, yet has somehow got away with it and remains with absolute power over people’s lives.

Advertisement

However, it now appears as though its days are numbered as it personally affects someone with the power to end it. Boris Johnson, without even attempting to hide the fact he was acting in his own interests, announced he will be closing down the agency from today. With his catalogue of offspring littered throughout the land, and no sign of him slowing down, old Shagger (as he’s known within Parliament) announced the CSA’s days were at an end.

He commented:

The bastards have been taking all my splurging cash. No more, I say. No more. I’m shutting the f*ckers down. F*ck ’em!

The Bugle contacted the Child Support Agency for comment but was unable to get through to anyone who could string a sentence together without spitting something about all men being bastards.