Peddler of high calorie children’s’ meals, McDonald’s, is to trial new vending machines in Ellesmere Port due to the uproar caused by the recent closure of the town’s only McDonald’s ‘restaurant’.

The Maccy Ds in Cheshire Oaks closed down a few weeks ago so they could widen the restaurant to accommodate the town’s increasing waistlines, but the absence of unhealthy foods has caused some people to turn to cannibalism.

In order to appease locals, the town will be receiving over a dozen vending machines which will be strategically placed within waddling distance of each other around the Port. There will be six vending machines on Cheshire Oaks, two on the Coliseum and the rest located near gyms and the Port Arcades.


One vending machine will also be placed on Wolverham Road, outside the local Slimming World meeting place to catch weak-minded chubbers who want to drown their sorrows in a reheated greasy burger.

A spokesman for McDonalds stated:

We didn’t realise how much the people of Ellesmere Port loved their fatty foods. Hopefully these vending machines will offer an alternative to healthy eating, and allow fat people to eat a burger without losing any calories walking anywhere.

If the trial is successful, we can expect to see McDonald’s vending machines cropping up all over the UK.


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