A CHESTER man, who describes himself as ‘bohemian’, has been feigning an interest in football for the past four weeks and tonight hopes he can finally give up the act.

Thirty-two-year-old Edwin, from Chester, would rather spend his time reading Cheshire Life, researching the latest Craft Ale brewing techniques and discussing the merits of classical architecture than watching 22 men who couldn’t pass their GCSEs kicking a pig’s skin around a field.

However, with World Cup fever griping the nation Edwin has had to pretend to be interested in football, even though he thought ‘Southgate’ was a trendy part of London.


Edwin’s friends are all into football, and they insist on watching the game in his trendy city-centre apartment simply because he has the biggest TV.

Truth be told, Edwin bought the UHD Sony TV so he could watch Blue Planet, not so he could watch hooligans playing a child’s sport. Edwin also only keeps football supporters as friends as it helps maintain his sense of superiority.

Over the last four weeks Edwin has been forced to watch every game, laugh at ‘Football’s coming home’ memes and even pass comment on tactical formations, even though he believed 4-4-2 was the measurements of a top fashion model.

When asked by the Bugle who he thinks will win tonight, Edwin commented:

Please don’t let it be Team GB. I need this hell to stop. If I hear that fucking three lions song one more time I’m going to gauge my eyes out with a melon baller.

Edwin has tickets booked for the open air theatre in Chester this Sunday, where he hopes to be seeing Much Ado About Nothing. Should England be successful against Croatia this evening, Edwin will be forced to miss the theatre and endure another tedious soccer game, a prisoner in his own home.


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