As the shocking news emerged today that Cheshire Oaks McDonalds is closing for three months, Ellesmere Port’s fat kids have already started eating each other. The thought of a drop in their daily intake of lard, bread and an unidentifiable meat product has caused them to panic and start chomping on other, weaker fat kids.

The town’s one remaining branch of the burger slinging ‘restaurant’ is to close so that it can receive a ‘digital refit’, making it even easier for lazy fat people to order their food. The refit will include table service, for the extra lazy, and feature digital ordering booths so they don’t have to speak to anyone – something which wastes valuable calories.

The refit is expected to be complete in October, by when an estimated 200 fat kids will have been consumed by the town’s dominant fat kids.


The area manager for McDonalds, Gary Whitehead, commented:

If the town’s fat kids could just stop eating each other for five minutes, that would be great.

He continued:

The refit means you won’t have to get up off your fat arse to order food. Just click a button and we’ll throw in your mouth.



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