In a surprisingly pointless move, the town of Ellesmere Port has made a very late bid for European Capital of Culture, with the bid citing Cheshire Oaks as being the ‘premier retail destination of the north’ as its main reason for entering.

The current UK bids for the award have come from Nottingham, Leeds, Milton Keynes, Dundee and, for some reason, the Irish have submitted three locations claiming to be one city – Belfast, Strabane and Londonderry. Ellesmere Port today announced it was entering the race just as the European Commission announced no UK bids would be accepted.

Despite the European Commission disallowing any bids from UK towns or cities, Ellesmere Port believes it still has a good chance of success due to the fact that it doesn’t identify itself as being ‘UK’.

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Steve Robinson, from Chester West and Cheshire Council, commented:

Screw Europe. Bunch of pen-pushers. We’re entering Ellesmere Port and we’re gonna win.

He continued:

The people of Ellesmere Port can barely speak English, so we’re not really a UK town anyway.

In the bid, Ellesmere Port listed its good points as being:

  • Cheshire Oaks – everybody loves to shop on the cheap
  • Blue Planet – big fish and stuff
  • Whitby Park – somewhere for yer dog to poop
  • The tip – a cracking day out for the whole family
  • The smell – marvellous ain’t it?

A spokesman for the EU responded to Ellesmere Port’s late bid with the following:

For f*ck’s sake

Ellesmere Port actually looks half decent by night, when it's dark
Ellesmere Port actually looks half decent by night, when it’s dark