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From festivals in Florida to touring Dracula’s digs in Romania, we round up the best destinations to visit this October. As summer abandons Europe again this October, eke out the last of the rays and raves in Ibiza, where nightclubs will be going out with a bang for the winter break. When the party finally stops head to the island’s north.

Piers Morgan still a cunt

It was today confirmed that annoying fat head, Piers Morgan, is still a cunt. Rumours were circulating online yesterday...

December best month for spotting shit neighbourhoods, says property guru

Property guru Phil Spencer, one half of ‘Kirsty and Phil’ from TV’s Location Location Location has claimed that December is the best month for...

Jim Davidson finds work as Saudi Arabia allows women drivers

Outdated cockney comedian Jim Davidson has become relevant in Saudi Arabia after they allowed women drivers for the first time. The ‘comedian’, famed for his...

England Car Flags BANNED by Brussels

Police instructed to issue £50 spot fines for anyone caught with them on their cars. In a parting shot against the UK, European bureaucrats...

I’ve already completed new Man City sponsor Tinder, claims Raheem Sterling

Diminutive money-grabber, Raheem Sterling, claims to have already completed the game Tinder as they were announced as Manchester City’s new shirt sleeve sponsor earlier...

Ellesmere Port bids for European Capital of Culture

In a surprisingly pointless move, the town of Ellesmere Port has made a very late bid for European Capital of Culture, with the bid...

Paul Burrell announces Ellesmere Port mayoral candidacy

Beloved TV celebrity, Paul Burrell, has announced he is to stand for mayor of Ellesmere Port when the current mayor, Peter Rooney, ends his...

English F.A. accidentally appoints wrong Neville after Phil answers Gary’s phone

The English F.A. was left red-faced this morning after they realised they had appointed Phil Neville instead of Gary Neville as the manager of...

Drivers who hog the middle lane to be put on a register

A new law will come into effect next year that will see middle-lane hoggers put on a register. The law, which passed with a Commons...

Kevin Davy White leaves The X Factor as part of EU’s Brexit demands

This year’s The X Factor competition has been thrown into turmoil after finalist Kevin Davey White has returned to France, amid demands from the...

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