Ellesmere Port has been confirmed as Ground Zero for the zombie apocalypse, although the people of Ellesmere Port are completely unaware of anything out of the ordinary having occurred.
The zombie outbreak started before Christmas, when locals began panic-buying bread and milk, and youths were seen patrolling the streets with melee weapons such as bicycle chains and baseball bats. While other towns would have identified these signs as the first steps to a swift Armageddon, Ellesmere Port’s locals just regarded it as yet another Saturday.
The undeniable stench of rotting flesh, something most people immediately associate with the dead walking the streets, was also dismissed as the town’s usual aroma.
It is only now, some six weeks after the initial outbreak, that Port Heads are starting to suspect something is awry.
The first sign that people shuffling along the streets mumbling incoherently to themselves were zombies, and not the usual Ellesmere Port crowd, was that fewer people were going into the Pound Bakery and Greggs. It appears that zombies crave human flesh, and not whatever the town’s two premier bakers have in their sausage rolls.
Strangely, one of the kebab shops on Whitby Road is just as busy as ever.
We asked local MP, Justin Madders, for comment, but a stray dog ran past and he shuffled after it moaning loudly.
Interestingly, even though more than half the town’s inhabitants are now human-flesh craving members of the undead, it hasn’t affected the posts on Facebook asking for bouncy castles, someone to do make-up and questions about whether someone’s missing a cat.
What do the Bugle’s readers think about the zombie apocalypse? Has it affected you? Are you one of the undead? Let us know in the comments below.